I'm Alive!

I know you think that I died during my half marathon and that is why I haven't written in such a long time. But I did not die. In fact, I finished my half marathon. I walked it, but I finished it! Of course, I feel like I didn't really accomplish a marathon because I walked it. I never tell people, "I've run a half marathon!" I always explain in a very apologetic fashion that I "just walked it". I guess it's because I set out to run it and because of my own laziness and excuses, I wasn't prepared and had to walk it instead. I have tried to tell myself that it was still a big deal and an amazing accomplishment. I don't think any less of other people who have walked a half marathon instead of running it. And I know this sounds cheesey, but last week on the Biggest Loser when the contestants had to run a whole marathon and Mike had to walk it because of an injury, he was really pissed off. He was so mad that he had trained for it and he wanted to do it so badly, but the doctors told him he couldn't run it or he would really risk worse injury. He was mad the entire time. Instead of being so proud of himself for going from almost 400 pounds to only 200something and being physically able to actually even walk the full marathon, he was frustrated and mad. He told Bernie from a previous season that he won't ever tell people that he ran a marathon, that he doesn't feel like he's actually accomplished it. And Bernie told him that was just ridiculous. He told him that he is finishing a marathon and it doesn't matter if you run, walk or crawl over the finish line, it just matters that you finished it. And I guess something just clicked for me. The night before my race, my daughter decorated my shirt and my "fanny pack" with tape. On my fanny pack she wrote "Run, walk, crawl to the finish line. No excuses!" And when we were watching BL and Bernie said that to Mike, she looked over at me and grinned and said, "See? Told ya." And I got choked up. Because I felt the same way Mike did. I felt like I just cheated and didn't really do a marathon. But I did. And I have the black toenails to prove it. I was in a lot of pain because at mile 4 I got really bad blisters and had to go the rest of the 13.1 miles in serious pain, but I finished. I never gave up. It took me 4:23 to finish, but I finished. And it felt great.

It felt so great that I decided to sign up for another half marathon with Team In Training. Casey is an honored hero on my team this season so I decided I should sign up again. I'm very stoked about this one. My daughter is training with me which is really holding me accountable. It is really fun to get to go out and run with her. And it keeps my mind off of being last or going slow or what other people are thinking of me which is the reason I wussed out of training last time. Hopefully, in November, I'll be able to wear a smaller singlet and not look so huge in my finish line photos.

    

Can

I had a pretty sucky week as far as training goes last week. After Monday, I missed Tuesday and had every intention of going on Wednesday. Wednesday came around and I didn't make it. Thursday, either. I woke up on Saturday morning at almost 3 am with awful back and abdomen pains. Could have been an anxiety attack, could have been indigestion. Don't know. Either way, I spent the next 3 1/2 hours trying to make it stop so I could fall back asleep so I wouldn't miss my Saturday training. I was really pretty psyched to go since I had only trained once that week. The alarm went off and I had just barely fallen asleep and I was still in some pain. And you guessed it, I missed Saturday training. I was really bummed out. I was really disappointed in myself for letting life get in the way of this very important part of my life.

I knew I was going today, no question. It was freezing balls outside but I was not going to miss tonight, even if I only did one mile. Lexy told me last night that we have got to go running and patted her "tummy" implying that she had a pooch or something. Right. So, when I walked in the door after work, the first thing I said to her was, "We going running?" And she said "YES!" She also told me she was going to get me something for Christmas but she had made me something as well. She had found something I totally needed on the internet and printed it out for me. This is what it said:

"Your biggest challenge isn't someone else. It's the ache in your lungs, the burning in your legs, and the voice inside you that says 'can't'. But you don't listen, you push harder. You hear the voice whisper 'can' and you discover that the person you thought you were is no match for the one you really are."

Wow, right? It was so what I needed to read right then. I think most of my problem is that I just have no confidence in myself and I'm scared out of my mind that I won't be able to do it. I want it so badly, I just suck at actually doing it. I was supposed to do 3 miles tonight. I only did one and I walked most of it. It was really cold and Lexy didn't bring her inhaler again but I should have at least done two. But, I am going to do something different today. I'm not going to dwell on "shoulda, woulda, mother-fing coulda" and beat myself up for not doing 3 miles. I'm just going to acknowledge that at least I went instead of just cozying up on the couch with hot chocolate and my "Harry Potter Order of the Phoenix" book and know that I still have 3 more trainings to look forward to this week.

Panting To The Finish Line

I attended my first training on Saturday and it was amazing! Not so much the running part. I pretty much sucked at that. But the atmosphere and the whole vibe from the group was truly nothing I've ever experienced before. These are some extremely motivated, dedicated and supportive people. I really didn't know anyone there and it was my first training when almost everyone had been to at least one before and I was really intimidated. When I got there, there was a HUGE group of people. I was totally shocked at how many people were there. I found out quickly that the triathlon participants were also training with us that day and that was one of the reasons there were so many people. I saw my Campaign Manager from Light the Night and she stuck with me the whole time. She isn't even participating in the Big D event. She just came to run with us. Well, she got stuck mostly walking because she hung back with me. I was so embarrassed because I was having such a hard time breathing - not to mention my legs hurt like crazy from the stupid stairwell escape from the fake fire. There were other people walking, too but I couldn't see that. All I could see was how pathetic I was. She reassured me that it was totally normal and that this is a beginner's program and I need to go at my own pace. She motivated me and encouraged me the whole way. She was super positive about everything. It was a huge help. One of the trainers gave me a tip and told me to do intervals of 6-1 (walking-running) and tonight my sister, Melinda, gave me tips on increasing my lung capacity so I feel much better now. I'll probably do the first few Saturday trainings by myself, just so I don't feel so self-conscious and like I'm holding someone up. Lexy and I went to the park tonight but we only ended up doing one mile because the weather turned nasty. There was lightning and I could tell the bottom was about to fall out of the sky. We got home and it rained cats and dogs and we were under a tornado watch so I didn't feel so bad for quitting early.

I must say, I'm not getting the reaction I thought I would when I tell people I signed up for a half marathon. Sadly, the only people who seem to think I can do it are perfect strangers who only know me as the "fat, sarcastic, hilarious blogger chick who is bringing sexy back" and my trainers and mentors on TNT. Everyone else seems extremely nonplussed. When I tell them, they just look at me with this strange look of what I can only decipher as disgust. I'm not sure if I'm reading it wrong or what. Wouldn't be the first time I read someone's expression wrong. I mean, I wasn't expecting confetti and noisemakers, but a, "Wow! That is really great!" "Hey, good job!" Or even just an encouraging smile would be reassuring. But so far, no one has really been wowed or offered an encouraging smile. I guess that's what I get for quitting everything I start. But I'm not quitting this time. Everyone will just have to hide and watch me cross the finish line. I mean, I would be way too embarrassed to quit now. I've told a lot of people, not to mention I've posted it on the world wide web. And anyway, my mentor, Pat, called me tonight and told me she's not going to let me quit! Thank God for Pat! I truly am fired up about this. It's something that I have to do not only for all of the people out there who can't run for themselves and need a cure for these horrible illnesses, but also for myself. I have a sneaky suspicion that once I prove to myself that I can do this, I'll know that I can do anything I set my mind to. Sure, that's a little selfish when the point of the event is to raise money for LLS, but it's time I start being a little selfish. Being unselfish hasn't gotten me very far in life. Watch out world, come April 5th, I'm going to be a new woman!

OH! And go to my website and donate some money!!! http://pages.teamintraining.org/ntx/bigd09/rstone

Pain In My Neck

Ok, it's only 8:06pm. I've had dinner, I finished my workout and I am so ready for a shower and my big, cozy bed. My head wasn't so bad today. Don't get too excited. I still had a headache. I pretty much woke up with one. I did take my migraine pill last night and slept pretty good. But when I woke up this morning, crick in my neck. Every time I turned my head I wanted to cry. I kept forgetting about it until it was too late. I took an Aleve on the way to work. My head was feeling bad on again off again. Which makes it really hard to decide if I should give in and take my serious meds or just wait it out or what. By lunch I had a pretty bad headache so I had planned on taking my meds with lunch. However, after I ate, my head didn't feel so bad anymore. But, around 3 or so it was back. I didn't want to take my Maxalt because I needed to work out tonight and I didn't want to be all loopy. So, I just took another Aleve. It worked pretty well on my head but my shoulders are still killing me. When I got home, I really wanted to relax, eat dinner and go to sleep. But I put on my workout pants, my crunchette t-shirt and my tennis shoes and did some walking. I feel so much better now that I've done it. My neck still hurts like crazy, but I feel tons better. And now, I'm going to go soak my neck and shoulders under the hot shower water.