World inside my head...

Today was training day for TNT. My daughter spent the night at her friends' house last night because it was the last day of school. She had told me she wanted to go to training and wanted me to pick her up on the way. Secretly, I was hoping she'd stay up too late and sleep in so we wouldn't have to go. I had taken some clothes and a bathing suit to her last night and realized I should take her training clothes, too. But I conveniently "forgot" these things. This morning, my phone starts ringing at full volume tearing me out of my bed with a frightening jolt. It was Lexy. She asked me if I was coming to get her for training. I asked my husband what time it was and he said it was about 10 'til 6. WHAT??? She was calling me at 5 something in the morning?? She said she needed me to go get her so she could come home and get ready because she didn't have any of her stuff. In my sleep deprived state I was mad at her. I asked her why she hadn't thought to tell me to take that to her last night with her other stuff. She said she forgot. And she said I forgot too. She was right. I knew full well that I should have taken her that stuff but in my lazy mind, I convinced myself not to. It was my own stupid fault. I picked her up and we got ready and headed to training. I was so glad we went. It felt so good. We hadn't trained in weeks. They cancelled training 2 weeks ago because of lightning and last weekend we were out of town at my brothers. And as I said before, we haven't been doing any weekly training either. Hmm...I wonder why I'm still fat? It's pretty sad that I need my 14 year old daughter here to get my fat, lazy ass out of bed to go to training. Who's the mom here?? I need some serious help.

So, I signed up for this half marathon thingy, and instead of training and eating healthy, I am eating like a fat girl again. What the heck?? I can't quit freaking eating M&Ms! I still haven't gone to the farmer's market and I still eat crap. It's all because I've been slacking on my confessions to my warden. If I kept up with that every day, I wouldn't give in because I'd feel too guilty. I really need to get back on the stick. I can feel myself gaining weight again and I've had to miss some trainings which is really upsetting me. I've got a huge project I'm working on and I've been doing it after work and I've also had to run unexpected errands so I've put off some of my weekly runs. I'm feeling pretty disappointed in myself and I just can't wait to go running again. Tomorrow night for sure.

I also haven't updated my "Bringing Sexy Back" poster since I started it in September. That was actually because my daughter's digital camera is broken so I haven't had a chance to take any new pics. I guess it really works out in my favor though, seeing as how it would just be more fat pictures of me. However, I recently stepped into the 21st century myself and I now own a digital camera. So, on December 13th, I'll take a new picture and update my poster. Even though it probably won't be much of an improvement from September 13th. But from here on out, I'll update it every month on the 13th, sexy or not.

I attended my first training on Saturday and it was amazing! Not so much the running part. I pretty much sucked at that. But the atmosphere and the whole vibe from the group was truly nothing I've ever experienced before. These are some extremely motivated, dedicated and supportive people. I really didn't know anyone there and it was my first training when almost everyone had been to at least one before and I was really intimidated. When I got there, there was a HUGE group of people. I was totally shocked at how many people were there. I found out quickly that the triathlon participants were also training with us that day and that was one of the reasons there were so many people. I saw my Campaign Manager from Light the Night and she stuck with me the whole time. She isn't even participating in the Big D event. She just came to run with us. Well, she got stuck mostly walking because she hung back with me. I was so embarrassed because I was having such a hard time breathing - not to mention my legs hurt like crazy from the stupid stairwell escape from the fake fire. There were other people walking, too but I couldn't see that. All I could see was how pathetic I was. She reassured me that it was totally normal and that this is a beginner's program and I need to go at my own pace. She motivated me and encouraged me the whole way. She was super positive about everything. It was a huge help. One of the trainers gave me a tip and told me to do intervals of 6-1 (walking-running) and tonight my sister, Melinda, gave me tips on increasing my lung capacity so I feel much better now. I'll probably do the first few Saturday trainings by myself, just so I don't feel so self-conscious and like I'm holding someone up. Lexy and I went to the park tonight but we only ended up doing one mile because the weather turned nasty. There was lightning and I could tell the bottom was about to fall out of the sky. We got home and it rained cats and dogs and we were under a tornado watch so I didn't feel so bad for quitting early.

I must say, I'm not getting the reaction I thought I would when I tell people I signed up for a half marathon. Sadly, the only people who seem to think I can do it are perfect strangers who only know me as the "fat, sarcastic, hilarious blogger chick who is bringing sexy back" and my trainers and mentors on TNT. Everyone else seems extremely nonplussed. When I tell them, they just look at me with this strange look of what I can only decipher as disgust. I'm not sure if I'm reading it wrong or what. Wouldn't be the first time I read someone's expression wrong. I mean, I wasn't expecting confetti and noisemakers, but a, "Wow! That is really great!" "Hey, good job!" Or even just an encouraging smile would be reassuring. But so far, no one has really been wowed or offered an encouraging smile. I guess that's what I get for quitting everything I start. But I'm not quitting this time. Everyone will just have to hide and watch me cross the finish line. I mean, I would be way too embarrassed to quit now. I've told a lot of people, not to mention I've posted it on the world wide web. And anyway, my mentor, Pat, called me tonight and told me she's not going to let me quit! Thank God for Pat! I truly am fired up about this. It's something that I have to do not only for all of the people out there who can't run for themselves and need a cure for these horrible illnesses, but also for myself. I have a sneaky suspicion that once I prove to myself that I can do this, I'll know that I can do anything I set my mind to. Sure, that's a little selfish when the point of the event is to raise money for LLS, but it's time I start being a little selfish. Being unselfish hasn't gotten me very far in life. Watch out world, come April 5th, I'm going to be a new woman!

OH! And go to my website and donate some money!!! http://pages.teamintraining.org/ntx/bigd09/rstone