World inside my head...

Recently, someone posted a comment on my "Hot Bod" entry. It was signed, "someone like you...a regular girl". Wow. Strange how just 6 little words can affect you. I mean, this was something so small and when she signed it, she probably thought nothing of it. But for some reason, that signature really had an impact on me. I thought, "regular girl", huh? I don't feel like a regular girl. I don't think I have ever felt like a regular girl. I've always been overweight, even if it was only 10 pounds. But, I've come to realize that I have severe "body dysmorphia". Even when I wasn't grotesquely overweight or obese, I thought I was gigantic.

I was watching "Swingers" with my daughter the other night and she was saying how she loves swing dancing and wants to go sometime. I told her that I actually went swing dancing once, years ago. A guy I worked with went all the time and he asked my roommate and me to go with him. Despite my violent begging and pleading and refusal to go, I ended up going. Dancing is definitely not my forte. Especially not swing dancing. With all that flipping and swinging and flying around?? Are you kidding me? There was no way anyone was going to slide me through their legs and expect me to end up on my feet. I sat at the table for as long as I could before my friend dragged me out on the dance floor. I was so mortified. I was freaking out the whole time worrying that all of these people were staring at me and laughing and trying to figure out what in the world a fat girl was doing at a swing dancing club. But really, no one was looking at us. If anything, they were all staring at the people who were actually good at it, the ones swinging and flipping. And I have to admit, even though I was extremely self-conscious and worried the whole time, I had a really good time on the dance floor. My roommate hit the dance floor with him and she did all the acrobatics with him and made it look so easy. My daughter asked me why I didn't do any of the swinging and stuff and I told her there was no way he could have flipped me or flung me. I was too heavy. And I realized, I only weighed about 150-155 back then. Can you imagine? I was not all that fat back then and I still felt like the fattest person everywhere I went.

My point is, I have just never felt like a regular girl. I've always felt too fat to be feminine. I've been a tomboy since I was in diapers. I never had anything in common with other girls so all of my friends were guys. Guys loved me. As a friend. I love beer. I love sports. I'm extremely low-maintenance. Everything a guy wants, right? Except, even though guys always complain about the high-maintenance-girly-girls, those are the ones they are attracted to. My roommate was thin and hot and guys gravitated towards her. They would come over and end up hanging out with me all night because I was fun. But they always ended up with her. I've just never felt like I fit in anywhere. So, when this reader, this "regular girl", included me in her group of "regular girls", I felt really good. Like maybe I was just a regular girl. A girl who likes beer and sports and just happens to have too many chins and hips. Just a regular girl, all the same.

Wow, I really fought the urge to drink a Shiner Bock tonight. I have 2 left in the fridge from a GNO a few months ago. I was on the couch tonight watching Ray Romano's "95 Miles To Go" and I just really wanted that beer. I have been so depressed lately that it sounded like a super good idea. But I just couldn't do it. I felt like I would be defeating the purpose. How many calories are in that delicious adult beverage? More than I care to think about. And why was I in such a funk to begin with? Because I'm so fat. So, the angel on my right shoulder finally won against the devil on my left shoulder. 

I got an email from my friend, The Warden, tonight. I hadn't emailed her in a while so I kind of let it all out tonight. It felt kind of good to finally release some of the tension. She apologized for being a bad warden. I told her it wasn't that she was a bad warden, I was a bad inmate. When I messed up, I stopped confessing and it spiraled out of control. I was in a funk for such a long time. I can usually dig myself out eventually but this time was pretty bad. I've been giving myself serious stomach issues over it. I am just so miserable over the way I look. And no one understands. I just can't explain it. Chris can't even begin to fathom what is going on. He just thinks I really hate the way I look but oh boy, it is just so much deeper and so much worse. I can't get him to understand. I've quit trying because there's really no point. I need to focus more on my health and my goal than trying to get people to understand that I am in utter despair. I have to admit, part of the reason I haven't kept in touch with her or written on my blog is because I have been so down. I just knew I'd spill my guts and I figured the pity party was getting old. For a year now, I've actually had hope. I've been able to picture the "thin me". I've had goals, fantasies, outfits all pictured in my head. But lately, the pictures in my head are gone. I was hanging on to my hope for dear life with a light at the end of the tunnel. And now the hope is no more than thin little wisps of distant memories. I feel like I'll look like this forever. I'm not dieting and trying to figure out why I just can't lose weight. I'm just not "dieting" or exercising like I should or anything. I just haven't been able to get it back like I had it before. But the other day, I went to one of the Biggest Loser meetings at work and it flipped a switch in my head. I felt that spark again. I felt like I could lose weight again. And then all weekend I ate crap. Lexy and I did a run/walk for 3.5 miles (mostly walking because it was so hot by 8am we were about to puke) and it felt good. But I ate terribly all weekend. I just don't know what my problem is. It's my fault, I'm not one to make excuses. I don't believe obesity is a disease, for crying out loud. It's something I've done to myself and I just don't know why I don't love myself enough to do something better for myself.

I started this blog for a reason. And it really helped hold me accountable at first. I pay for it every month so I think I should really utilize this outlet again. I think it might help.