For instance, having a great job that pays me lots of money that I thoroughly enjoy, might be pretty impossible without a degree. But losing weight and being healthy are totally possible, I just have to put in the work. I am physically and mentally capable of working out and not eating a handful of Hershey Kisses from the community bowl right outside my office 3 times a day.

Over the holidays I didn't work out and I ate like crap. Well, the holidays are over and I'm still not working out and I'm still eating like crap. I don't feel good, I don't look good and I don't fit in my clothes anymore. I have no energy and I have been very lethargic lately, worse than usual. But my husband told me the other day, "Be positive in 2012!" And I thought: he's right. Why not? I can be positive. I can change my own mind. So why not? So I'm trying. It's kind of hard for someone like me, but I can't give up now. I just can't. I'm going to try and make 1 or 2 changes at a time instead of having the all or nothing attitude I always have. That mentality never works. It's too stressful.

So, my first change was to quit taking Ambien. Huge change for me. But it really messes with my memory. I do things and have conversations when I take it that I don't remember at all the next day. I'll tell my daughter or my husband something and they'll say, "I know, we had a 30 minute conversation about that last night." That really freaks me out. But it seems to be affecting my short term memory as well. Even when I'm not actually on Ambien, I can't remember if I said something or did something. I have a hard time remembering names and things like that. I used to have a memory like an elephant (whatever that means). My daughter and I were in the car the other night and she said, "Mom, I'm having an intervention with you right now. I want you to stop taking Ambien. If you wake up one day and you don't know who I am...well, I'm not even going to finish that sentence." So, that night, I didn't take my Ambien. And I haven't since. It's been hard, but I've been taking Melatonin and it helps a little. I tried the Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime tea but it tasted like dirty socks. I'm going to give it another try. I'm going to use less water and try and just drink it fast and get it over with. Maybe that will help.

Hopefully, next time I write, I'll have another change to tell you about.

Recently, a friend told me I should write a blog because I'm really funny. Immediately, a fire lit inside me and my heart start beating faster. The thought of my old friend, my blog, made me excited. I am happy when I'm writing and pouring my heart out on my keyboard. I thought, "Yes! I should write my blog again!" And then I didn't write for about 3 weeks. Today is the first day I've made the time to do it. And I'm very happy again.

I was reading some of my last posts and WOW. Talk about Debbie Downer. Wah, wah, wah. Everything was awful. I had every excuse not to eat right, not to exercise, not to live. It wasn't fun reading my own words anymore. I was very disgusted. But a few weeks ago, I decided enough was enough. I finally signed up for the gym again. I went for my fitness assessment which was just an hour long sales pitch for personal training. I'd love to do it. I think I'd lose so much faster with a trainer but seriously, who can afford a trainer?? So I enlisted my little sister to be my virtual trainer. I asked her to tell me what I should be doing at the gym and to help me with my eating. She's been amazing. She texts me every day at 6:30 in the morning and again at night. She's given me so many tips for eating and has been so supportive. She's been the push I've needed. Of course, I didn't go back to the gym after my initial assessment for weeks. The usual fears and insecurities crept back into my head. "Everyone is going to look at me. I don't know how to work the machines and I'm going to look like an idiot." So, once again, excuse after wussy excuse. Finally, one Sunday morning I get a text from my little sister that said, "You awake? You should go to the gym. I'm at the gym now and no one is here. It's empty on Sundays." She's right. I should go. But my bed is soooo cozy. But I should really go. Mmmmm...pillow...Hmmm...lose weight and look hot. As I was having this internal struggle, a knock came at my door. "Holy crap! She sent my daughter in here after me to go to the gym!!" Sure enough, my daughter walks in and says, "Hey Mom, let's go to the gym." I said, "Mel sent you in here after me, didn't she?!" She said yes. So I got up and went to the gym. And you know what? It was amazing! We did 15 minutes on the bike and 5 minutes on the elliptical and that was it. But it was fabulous! I was so energized and felt so happy. I felt like I could do this again. I went again on Monday night. ALL BY MYSELF. Woohoo! Go me! I walked in that gym with my oh-so-important-looking-gym-bag over my shoulder and my head up. I strolled to the locker room with my sunglasses on acting like I totally owned the place. I just acted like I did this every day and I knew the gym like the bottom of a bowl of popcorn. I went and changed and walked straight to the bike. I put Daniel Tosh standup on my phone and biked for 20 minutes. I knew I could do more so I did another 10 minutes. When I'm at the gym I always pretend like everyone around me is thinking, "Wow! Look at her! I wonder how much weight she's lost so far." Because for all they know, I've been doing this for a while and I've already lost 50 pounds. They don't have to know I've lost and gained the same 30 pounds for the last 2 years. In my head, I'm an athlete, not a fat girl. When I was done with my workout, I got my stuff from my locker and walked back out of the gym with my head up like I was some kind of athlete. I felt good.

When I told my little sister about my trip to the gym and told her about how I act like I owned the place and have already lost a ton of weight, she cracked up. She told me that was freaking hilarious and I should blog about it. She told me to make it my incentive to go to the gym. If people were out there wanting to read about my day at the gym, I'll be more motivated to go. She said everyone who used to read my blog is thinking, "What the hell happened to this chick? She fell straight off the planet!" She said I "must redeem yourself and make a comeback. Only this time, not a blog filled with excuses as to why you're not that girl who works out and eats good...no...this time, why you are that girl, making an effort...to be better, healthier, stronger...and happier...oooh! This will be fabulous! Only great things to come." That is her text, word for word. She said I could finally write my book. And she's right. This time, I'm going in with a positive and motivated attitude. I can do this. I will do this.

Every day I write an article for my blog in my head but I never seem to get my ass in front of the computer and actually put it writing. I could probably be really productive and successful in life if I could just make myself follow through...with anything. Anyhoo, last month, I was on my way to my daughter's play at school and as I was turning into the school parking lot, a car came around the corner and smashed right into me. I was freaking out. I have never been in an accident before and I didn't know what to do. She was going too fast and as I started to turn, she sped up even faster. I'm not sure why. Probably distracted with a million other things on her mind just like the rest of us. The insurance company found me liable because I was the one turning. Whatever. But my insurance company was awesome. They took care of my rental, my repairs and it was all really fast.

Two weeks later, my little sister calls me and tells me my aunt has been in an accident and is in ICU. Her brain was bleeding and they had to cut out part of her skull and drain her head and let the swelling go down. She was getting better and responding by squeezing the doctor's hands and giving thumbs up. They took her off some of the support systems (breathing tube, draining tube, etc) and were talking about sending her to rehab. The very next day, she wasn't responding anymore and was crying a lot. Today she's a little better but not as good as she was.

Two days after the call about my aunt, my husband calls me on his way home from work and says, "I just got in a wreck." WHAT???? First of all, he has been borrowing his uncle's car because we no longer work at the same company and can't carpool anymore and we only have one car. Second of all, he was ALMOST HOME!!! An old lady pulled across 3 lanes of traffic to go south when my husband was travelling north. Smashed right into him. Witnesses came out of the businesses that line that street and gave my husband their business cards because they saw the accident and said that it was clearly her fault. He was just going straight down the "highway" and she pulled out in front of traffic. That was last Tuesday. We had to get a rental car out of our own pocket. Today is Friday, 10 days after the accident, and her insurance company still hadn't gotten the police report or interviewed any of the witnesses. Our insurance wouldn't let us make the claim because they said it wasn't my husband's fault. His uncle's insurance said it was clearly the other lady's fault, too. And her insurance is still sitting around with their thumbs up their asses waiting for pigs to fly. He finally called and left a message for a supervisor and they called back and told him that the one witness they talked to said that my husband was switching lanes and it was both of their faults. Even if my husband was switching lanes (which he wasn't), he still has the right of way in the street. The side traffic and just pull out in front of oncoming traffic because someone is switching lanes! The one witness they talked to was on her cell phone during the accident and told my husband she didn't see where he was when the accident happened. And now she's telling the insurance company that he was in a different lane. The reason why he was in another lane was because the old lady who hit him KNOCKED HIM INTO ANOTHER LANE WITH HER CAR! 5 more feet and he would have been in oncoming traffic and he could have been seriously injured or killed. Thank God he wasn't hurt. But we still have this rental car and I have no idea how we're going to pay for it if her insurance isn't going to. My husband told that supervisor that she needs to call the other witnesses and get their statements. She was so put out by this request. She couldn't believe that he wanted her to talk to more than one witness. I'm so mad right now I can't even think straight. Plus, we have to figure out a way to buy a second car because we can't keep paying for a rental car and without his uncle's car, he now has no way to get to work.

On a positive note, I FINALLY bought myself some new clothes last weekend. I know that when I feel good in my clothes it's easier for me to stay on track with losing weight so I just gave in and did it. I actually found some pants that I love. I recently caught a glimpse of myself wearing the new pants I bought just a few months ago and I was mortified. I don't have a full length mirror in my room so all this time I've been completely oblivious to how I looked. I was in my daughter's room one day and walked past her full length mirror and when I saw myself in those pants, I freaked out. I asked her and my husband why have they been letting me leave the house in those pants??? Not to mention, I have them in gray and khaki. So about 3-4 days a week (since I don't have many clothes I usually end up wearing the same 2 pairs of pants during the week and my jeans on Fridays), I've been walking around in what are supposed to be straight leg pants and actually look like tapered pants. Or as my daughter calls them, riding pants. As in horse riding pants. How humilitaing!!! I bought my new pants in black and they are bootcut this time. I really like them. They have them in gray and khaki but none of the Fat Girl stores have them. I've been trying to order them online but the freaking website won't take my card. I tried my husband's card and it gives me an error on that one also. It's telling me to make sure I'm keying it correctly. It's not declined, it's acting like I'm entering the wrong number. I guess I'll have to go in the store and order them. Oh well.

A few weeks ago on Biggest Loser, Victoria was trying to figure out how she had gotten fat. Most of the people on the ranch eventually figure that out and they work on those issues and they are able to move on. But Victoria had spent most of the season at home and didn't have the insight the others have had all this time. But I totally felt her pain. I am always trying to figure out what is wrong with me and why I can't seem to do the things I need to do. I tried to go to a counselor once and that was awful. I just can't think of anything that made me this way mentally. All I know is, when I reached my early 20s, I stopped working retail and started working at a desk job. And I drank...a lot. I packed on 80 pounds in 2 years. And now that I've done that, I can't get it back off. I have read so many books, I subscribe to numerous e-newsletters for health and fitness and I read magazines and articles about health and how to lose weight all the time. I feel like I really know how to do it. I just can't make myself do it.

I have been really tired and exhausted all day every day lately. I can't muster the energy to work out after work anymore. It's driving me nuts. So, last night I felt really tired around 9:00. I decided I would set my alarm early, get up and work out a bit before work. My alarm went off at 5:00am this morning. I turned it off and reset it for 6:00. I didn't get out of bed until 6:30. What the hell??? I wasn't even dragging at 5. I just didn't want to get up. It was the perfect opportunity for me to start working out in the morning. I didn't feel groggy or super tired or anything. But I stayed in bed anyway. And doing that to myself, made me tired and groggy. Holy moly. What is wrong with me??? I feel like I'm just out of control. I need someone to talk to or to help me or something. My daughter made my calendar and puts my motivating quotes in my envelope for me and that helps. But it doesn't make me do it. I feel like I need professional help of some kind. I know what kinds of food to eat and when, I know that I need to work out and how often, but I need someone to give me real guidance in the kitchen and the gym. I need someone to force me to do it. I hate that it's come to that. I don't want to be so lazy that I can't do it on my own.

I'm having an even harder time trying to find shoes. I want to find some really cute casual shoes that I can throw on with my jeans on the weekend. Something that isn't a tennis shoe and will look ok really casual or a little nicer. That's why I love Dr. Martens. They are so comfortable and they have really cool styles. For a while there, I was addicted to them and I bought like 5 pairs! I still have one of them and I've had them for about 10 years! And they're not even falling apart yet! But I can't find anything like that anymore. Even the Docs aren't as cute anymore. But while I was at the mall today, I saw a pair of Danskos. I had never heard of this brand before but apparently they're really good for your feet. People who stand all day like nurses and such wear these shoes. I was in awe of these shoes. I had a total shoegasm. Until I flipped it over and saw the price. $119.95. Crap. I expected this but I was still hoping they might be remotely in my price range. I know that I have to pay for good quality, I just don't have the money right now. I need clothes more. I went home and searched online for a really spectacular deal. The cheapest I found was $115, I think. And the more I shopped for this shoe, the more Danskos I fell in love with. I have GOT to get me some! I'm going to start putting away money so when I get to 199 pounds, I can get me a pair!

Finding these shoes really made me realize how much I have lost of myself, just by getting fat. I have my own style, my own taste in clothes and shoes. And I was never afraid to be that person before. Even if I looked ridiculous, I didn't care. I loved the way I felt in my clothes and my Docs and I wore them. But now, I can't find cute clothes, not my style of clothes, anyway. Sure, I have my Goonies Never Say Die t-shirt and my Judd Nelson Breakfast Club t-shirt. But the rest of my wardrobe is just embarrassing. And don't even get me started on my shoes. The cutest thing I own now is the satchel my daughter made me for my birthday. These shoes got me really excited to be that person again. It really made me want to lose weight so I could be me again.

My Danskos!!!

So I came in to work this morning and was wondering if I could somehow skip weighing in and they could just use my embarrassing miniscule number from last week. I knew they only do that if you aren't at work so I decided to put on my big girl panties and suck it up. I told the girl who records our weights that I was going to be bad because I had eaten enough Easter candy to feed a small village yesterday. I hopped on the scale and I almost fell right back off! I had lost 2 pounds! What the heck??? How does that happen?? She said I was the 3rd or 4th person who had said it was going to be bad and then ended up losing weight instead of gaining. I told her I guess I better eat Easter candy every day! Only joking. I know that eating candy isn't the way to lose weight. Even if it is the "fun size."

Speaking of Biggest Loser, did you watch last night??? They showed a guy named Wayne weigh in live at the end of the show. Two years ago, Wayne weighed 674 pounds. He was in the hospital and almost died. He was in a coma for 11 days. He was in a wheelchair when he got back home and could barely maneuver that. He realized he needed to do something or he he was going to die. He saw an episode of the Biggest Loser and decided to "start doing what they were doing." Bob had told him, "You don't have to go to a gym to work out. Walking is free, you can walk." So he started walking. Last night Wayne weighed in on national television at 256 pounds! He lost 418 pounds in TWO YEARS!!! That's crazy! I've been trying to lose 70 pounds for 8-9 years and I can't do it. Heck! I can't even lose 2 pounds in a week! After seeing that last night I felt inspired and I felt really guilty. If this guy who could barely even walk on his own can lose over 400 pounds, surely I can lose 70.

My daughter made me a motivating chart. She started with March on a piece of green construction paper and put the 3 remaining weeks on it. The first week has what I should have weighed that week had I lost 2 pounds from my current weight and a second column for me to put what my actual weight is. She put each month on a different piece of construction paper. Each month has one or two "fun" workouts such as "Zumba class at the gym" or "work in the garden" and also has one or two "rewards" such as "new makeup" and "5 new workout songs". Unfortunately, I was already behind 3 pounds the first week. The 2nd week I had only lost .4. In my defense, I didn't realize she was going to make this chart for me and I got it a few days before I was supposed to be 2 pounds down already. But that's ok. I decided not to be discouraged and to just play catch up. Tomorrow is weigh in day for week one and I'll be able to update it. Hopefully, I'll be closer to my next goal which is 214. Yikes.

If you've been a reader, you know that I have major self-esteem issues and social phobias. I signed up for a gym several months ago and I've been twice. I feel so out of place there with all of the pretty people and fit people and young people. Instead of just concentrating on a good workout and feeling good about actually being at the gym, I'm constantly freaked out that all of these people are looking at me trying to figure out why I'm there, why I'm invading their space. But really, no one is even looking at me. I signed my daughter up in January because I thought it would be easier to have her with me walking into the gym instead of facing those people alone. I still couldn't get myself to go. My daughter kept asking, "Mom, when are we going to the gym???" But I always had an excuse. I told her I just couldn't do it. She thinks I'm crazy. I probably am.

I've been going to an internist and she has been a great cheerleader for me. Each visit she gives me a list of things to do before our next appointment. My last list said to read some of the "former fat girl memoir" books that always motivate me and get me pumped and back on track, get a book on ACT Therapy to help me with my anxieties and phobias, start my exercise videos and start the gym the next week. Well, I did get my motivational books and I started doing my videos at home. My daughter did them with me, too. She hates the videos though because she gets bored. I like doing the videos in the safety and privacy of my own home.

But something happened this week. I've been getting pumped and more positive about myself and at least feeling that there is hope for me after all. I joined a Biggest Loser contest at work. It's $40 for 8 weeks. I didn't think I'd win but I felt it would be a good motivator. Of course, I spent the first 3-4 weeks not really doing much. Then one week, I saw my name in 3rd place! Me! In 3rd place! That really got me excited! There was prize money for 1st, 2nd and 3rd place but I didn't care about the money. I just wanted to win! I did well the next week and then I gained. And I was devastated. And the next week I lost. I spent the whole 8 weeks going up and down just like I usually do. The next to the last week I gained 1.2 pounds...the exact amount I had lost the week before. I just spiraled out of control. I was depressed and so pissed off because I had finally started working out pretty much every day and eating way better than I have in a long time. And I still gained. But the last 2 days before the very last weigh in I just had to shake all that off and do what I could to get focused again. At this point, I figured I wasn't even going to place 3rd but I decided that didn't matter. I still needed to lose weight and get healthy. On weigh in day I weighed in and I had lost 1.4! Not a lot and certainly not enough to place, but I was so happy I hadn't gained after a week of not working out and eating bad. I was in the break room mixing up my detox drink (if you can call it a drink - yuck!) and the girl who had been in 1st the entire contest comes running in and says, "You won 2nd place!" I said, "What??" She repeated, "You won 2nd place!" I said, "Are you shitting me??" I honestly, truly believed that I wouldn't even place 3rd. I couldn't believe it! I was soooo freaking excited! I was on cloud 9 all day long! I won $50 and placed 2nd and I lost weight! Woohoo! We are going to start another round of BL on the 24th and I'm going to win 1st this time!

I told you all of that to tell you this. That same day, I was so excited and so pumped that nothing was going to bring me down. I WENT TO THE GYM!!! My daughter and I dressed in our gym clothes and went to the gym. I looked around the place and there was only one other overweight person there. And she wasn't even as big as me. I told my daughter I wanted to join the YMCA because there are probably people of all shapes and sizes there, not just fit, workout fiends and I woudl feel like I fit in better there. She looked at me and said, "It doesn't matter where you go. Your insecurities are going to follow you." And she's right. It doesn't matter where I work out or where I eat or who I'm with. My insecurities are going to be there. It's all in my own head. When she said that I realized I need to stop worrying about all of that other stuff and I just need to focus on working out and getting healthier. None of those people care about me being fat. They may even be happy that I'm there trying to lose weight. After that, I felt better. We did the bike and I fought with mine for 20 minutes trying to do a weight loss program only to find out that it wasn't happening. My daughter did the exact same program and was working right through it. Mine kept telling me to slow down and I couldn't get my legs to go that slow. Then, when I got to a "hill", the resistance didn't change at all. I thought maybe it was because I was older and fatter and it was trying to keep me on a lower program than the one my daughter was on so I reset the program and entered a lower weight and age. Still no change. After 20 minutes of this mess, I finally put it on manual and went my own pace at my own resistance. We went for 20 more minutes. Then we got on the elliptical for 5. I did it backwards the last minute. I was so happy when we left! I felt like I could run a 5k! I couldn't have, but I felt like it.

We went back to the gym last night...2 nights in a row! Woohoo! The guy behind the desk who had teased us the night before for not coming in sooner cheered us on for coming in 2 days in a row. This time I did the elliptical for 30 minutes! Yay! I realized the trick is to slow down. I always feel like I have to go fast on everything and I wear out too fast. I just tried to keep a moderate pace and I made it for 30 whole minutes! We did a few machines for an upper body workout and then we headed out. I felt even better last night than I did the night before.

And so here I am...I'm back after a long hiatus. And this time, I'm not going away. At least not until I lose 70.6 more pounds.

Basket case...yep, that's me. Especially tonight. I don't know why but my emotions are taking over my brain and forcing it to not function properly. I'm so stressed out about our financial situation right now that I can't think about anything else. Except for being fat. Being poor and being fat. Those are the two things I can think about right now.

My daughter recorded that "Ruby" show on the MyStyle network. She put in a season pass for me. I didn't know she did that until I turned on the tv yesterday and saw an episode recorded. I decided that I would watch the show and do a little exercising in front of the tv. It was great. In case you haven't seen "Ruby", it's about a lady who used to weigh 700 pounds. She is on a journey to lose weight the natural way, without surgery or drugs or anything extreme like that. And she's doing really well. Apparently, her most recent goal was to get under 350. In the show I watched last night, she hit 349.2. GO RUBY! I was motivated, I was jogging in place, I was squatting, I was doing tricep curls, bicep curls and I was sweating like crazy. I ended the night feeling pretty good. I weighed last night and I was around 2 pounds less than last week's weigh in. I thought I might have a chance to lose weight at this week's weigh in. The final weigh in.

Tonight, we went through the drive thru at Taco Bell because my husband is a coach a the church sports camp again this year and he had to eat quick and get to the church. I have been doing really well on my 4 golden eating rules from Paul McKenna. I haven't overeaten once since I started reading his book. I haven't felt full to the point of wanting to stick my finger down my throat until tonight. I ate too fast without realizing it and had cookies and milk afterward. And I felt it. All of it. I physically felt awful. I was watching "Ruby" while I ate (big rule breaker) and just didn't focus on what I was doing. I was so excited.  Ruby got down to 333! Someone pointed out to her that in only 34 pounds, she'll be under 300. Whoa. That is huge for someone who used to weight 700 pounds. And it hit me, I only have about 20 pounds to lose to be in the 100s again. That seemed do-able. I felt happy about that. Until I realized that just a few months ago, back in January, I only had about 10-12 pounds to lose to get in the 100s. And I felt defeated again. But I quickly pushed that out of my head and focused back on the show. Ruby drives me a little nuts. Really high maintenance, this one, but she's very sweet and has a big heart. She's action packed with issues, though. She wouldn't get rid of her dresses that she wore when she weighed 700 pounds because they were like friends. They were a security blanket for her and with all of the changes she has been going through, it was just too hard for her. She finally did in the end and I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off me and I wasn't even the one getting rid of my fat clothes! I felt motivated and knew I needed to get my body moving, so I went to put on my workout clothes. And that's when I messed up. I got on the scale.

2 pounds more than last night. So much for my weight loss this week. And that was all it took. Everything hit me all at once. Money, food, fat, weight. BOOM! I was Wyle E. Coyote and the Roadrunner had dropped the anvil on me once again. I decided I'd shake it off and go put on "Dance Your Ass Off", another show my daughter recorded for me on the Oxygen channel. I thought it would get me movin' and groovin'. Nope. I was sadly mistaken. After all of my emotions had been stirred up, I was just waiting to blow. Watching all those fat people shaking their asses and looking at themselves in those slinky dance numbers saying that they loved the outfits and felt sexy just blew my mind. Those fat people did not hold back one iota. They shook it, they twirled it, they flaunted it. They exuded confidence and I just stopped in my walking-in-place-tracks and stared at the tv. These fat people were good. Even the ones who didn't dance. These huge women who weigh over 200, 250, 270, were all flying around like they weighed 80 pounds. Their tiny little dance partners were dipping them, flinging them, cartwheeling them, and never dropped a single girl. I was dumbfounded. I know it seems silly. It's kind of a silly show, but for some reason, watching those people dancing like no one was watching, really broke me down. My husband tells me that showing confidence is the biggest turn on for him. He loves it if I give him a "come hither" look, or say something positive about myself, even if I'm joking. He'll take what he can get. And I was staring at these people through my tears trying to figure out why I can't do that. Why can't I even fake it? I think he'd even take that. But I can't. I feel silly. I don't know why.

I kept trying to jog and do my workout, but I couldn't. At this point, my head was killing me, I felt physically bad from eating 2 bean burritos and 3 chocolate chip cookies, and I was depressed. I couldn't do it. I couldn't stay focused on moving my body. I don't think that has ever happened to me before. Usually, once I start moving, I feel really good and I keep going. Not today, Buzz. Not today.