Down Memory Lane

Wow. Just for fun I just read the "About Me" tab on my blog. It was written 4 years ago. My, how time flies. And my, how much weight I've gained. I thought I was miserable at 226 lbs and would just die if I gained anymore weight. I swore that I would write and lose but I didn't. Here I am 4 years later and I'm 20 pounds heavier. How does that happen? What in the world has made me this way? I just don't understand it. I try and I try to figure out what in the world is going on inside my head to make me eat this way and how lazy I've become but I can't put my finger on it. The contestants on the Biggest Loser always have these revelations and breakthroughs at some point on the show. What I want to know is, how do I get one of those? I've thought about seeing a counselor or something, but I tried that once and it was a horrible experience. She basically told me I was fine and to be on my way. And then I think, why in the world do I need someone else to figure this out? Why can't I just eat right and be active? And I feel horrible all over again.

I've tried so many things and each time I swear this is going to be the time and it never is. Instead of losing weight, I end up gaining it. And gaining it. And hating myself. I've gotten back into reading the inspriational stories again. Those always seem to help motivate me. I just downloaded Abby Rike's book, "Working it Out". If her story doesn't motivate me, I think I'm just going to hang it up. Speaking of inspiration, did you see Biggest Loser last night?? Bethany Hamilton, the Soul Surfer herself, was on the show. Oh my. Talk about inspiration and feeling like a total loser. The girl loses her arm at 13 years old to a 14 foot tiger shark and jumped right back out there on a board ONE MONTH LATER! I was totally humbled and totally ashamed while I sat on my couch in my pajamas watching her surf with one arm. Not only did she overcome having only one arm, but she didn't let the sharks keep her out of the ocean, her home. I wish I had her guts.


I Feel Pretty! Oh, So Pretty!

Something strange happened to me this weekend. I mean, stranger than strange. Blog-worthy strange. I am the biggest I've ever been in my life, but somehow, this weekend I actually found nice clothes that actually fit me. I know, right???

My daughter hates Lane Bryant. We both do. We hate the music that they blast in the dressing rooms putting you on edge while you're on the verge of having a nervous breakdown as it is. And she says that they never have very trendy clothes for plus size women. I feel that LB has become pretty trendy over the years and are doing a much better job than the moo-moos they were trying to sell in the 80s and 90s. And their clothes usually have the best fit. Their pants actually have room for my wide hips but fit at the waist. And their shirts don't look like I'm wearing a giant curtain or tent. But, I still usually have a really hard time finding clothes that fit, look good, don't make me fill like a man in drag and that I can afford. That last one is huge for me. I can never really afford Lane Bryant without coupons and sales.

But this weekend, I bribed my daughter into going with me to LB. Despite the strange club music, we actually had a pretty good time. I had $150 in Real Woman Dollars and I was anxious to spend it! I was trying on pieces that are much more expensive than I usually do. I even tried on colors! Lots of cute spring colors! And hold onto your socks...I tried on a dress! Just for funsies. And I actually felt really pretty in it (although I didn't buy it. Maybe after I lose a few pounds). I was really proud of myself! We sat on the ottoman sorting through the "maybe" pile trying to stay within the $300 budget I had set for myself. I only wanted to spend about $150 after my Real Woman Dollars. Not happening. I went way over. I started to put back one of the expensive jackets I had picked out, but the extremely nice manager gave me another RWD to use towards the jacket. She said she could tell I really wanted it and wanted me to get it. I told her I can NEVER find cute jackets that fit me or look nice on me and she had just made my day. I still spent way too much money, but I feel pretty! And really, that's just priceless, isn't it??

P.S. Please ignore the stupid look on my face in this picture. I hate having my picture taken. I'm like Chandler on Friends. Oh well. What do you do?


Funny How Quickly Things Can Change

I have gained quite a bit of weight over the past year. 25.9 pounds to be exact. I am at an all new high. I weighed in at 246.5 this week. Bazinga.

I don't fit in any of the clothes I bought last year at this time. I pretty much don't fit in anything I own. And my position at work calls for dressing nicer than I'm used to. Which is good for me. I realized that as I've been gaining weight I've been wearing a lot of pajama pants and lounging shorts and t-shirts around the house. It's very easy to not notice exactly how much weight you're gaining when you're wearing elastic pants that are too big anyway. It's also a lot easier to gain weight when you don't really care about how you look or how you dress. So, knowing that I need to look nice at my job, I have to go shopping this weekend. Fortunately, I have $150 in Real Woman Dollars to spend at Lane Bryant. Unfortunately, I hate shopping. I am in between sizes and that is not fun. But, I'm hoping that I'll be able to find some nice stuff this weekend that I can feel good in.

On a side note, I was really nervous about starting my new job. I have become such an introvert as I gain more and more weight. I don't have friends, I avoid going in public if I can and social situations just give me anxiety. Which is really crazy, because I used to be the life of the party. I mean, just 10 years ago I was attending broadcasting school to become a radio DJ and I was one of the "popular kids". Everyone knew me and I had a bunch of friends there. I was thinking about it the other day and it really made me miss my old radio school friends and part of that old life. The drinking got out of hand, and I don't miss that part so much. But the friends, I miss. Anyhoo, as I said, I was really nervous about this job because I knew it was going to put me right out there in the open and I would be very vulnerable. I have to talk to people all day - on the phone and in person. And I was worried that I would make an ass out of myself and that I would be so nervous about being around people I'd just explode. But the funny thing is, when you're around really nice people and you're happy doing what you're doing, all the other stuff doesn't seem to matter as much. I'm still really freaked out at people looking at me and as long as I'm behind my desk, I'm ok. But leaving the comfort of my fortress, puts me on edge again. But I'm really glad I'm in this position and I've been forced to socialize with humans again. It feels really good. And it makes me want to lose weight again. I mean, seriously lose weight. So, today I joined Weight Watchers online.

I've set everything up online and played around in the site a bit and I'm really excited. Of course, I didn't pack a lunch today, so I ate a burger and fries at the burger joint by my job. I almost fell out of my chair when I entered in my points for lunch and I had used up all of my remaining points for the entire day as well as 3 of my weekly Allowance points. D'oh. Not off to a very good start. But hopefully by weigh in next Saturday, I'll have some good news. By the way, if you want to be my 'friend' on WW, I'm Rachyls1320.


I Love My Job!

For the first time in a very long time, maybe ever, I finally have a job I love. I just started this week and I am super happy. I am the Receptionist for a cancer institute. For the first time in my 35 (almost 36) years, I feel like I am doing something important with my life on a daily basis. Sure, I've participated in Light the Night and Team in Training and various other fundraising events, but I've never had a job where I feel like I am really a part of something great and inspiring every single day. Sure, I pretty much just answer phones and greet patients and guests, but I'm a part of it. Whether you're the medical director, answering phones, setting appointments or taking out the garbage, to be a part of something like this just feels amazing. I can't really put into words how excited I am to work in the cancer field. My stepson was diagnosed with lymphoma on his 6th birthday and we went through treatment with him and are still taking him to follow-ups. Plus, I know so many other people who had/have cancer or have passed away from cancer and it's a really big part of my life. And it doesn't hurt that all of the people here are so great and are very nice to me. I've even had several people come up to me thanking me for  just for answering the phones and telling me they've heard really great things about me already. I ate in the break room yesterday and I didn't hear one single word of gossip or petty whining. I even heard conversations about sports and the movie "Moneyball" between a group of women. It was great! Not to mention, I have some time to actually write my blog now! For the first time ever, I don't dread going to work every day. I'm just so happy!!!


Being Positive in 2012

As you know, I'm not the most positive person in the world. In fact, most people would even say I was a pessimist. I feel like I'm just a realist. But, I'll be honest, I'm probably just a pessimist in denial. I mean, there are things that I just have to be realistic about, things that will be impossible or just aren't a good idea. But then there are the things that will just be hard and will take work to accomplish and I'm just too lazy and have no faith in myself to believe that I could actually do them. And I know what those things are.

For instance, having a great job that pays me lots of money that I thoroughly enjoy, might be pretty impossible without a degree. But losing weight and being healthy are totally possible, I just have to put in the work. I am physically and mentally capable of working out and not eating a handful of Hershey Kisses from the community bowl right outside my office 3 times a day.

Over the holidays I didn't work out and I ate like crap. Well, the holidays are over and I'm still not working out and I'm still eating like crap. I don't feel good, I don't look good and I don't fit in my clothes anymore. I have no energy and I have been very lethargic lately, worse than usual. But my husband told me the other day, "Be positive in 2012!" And I thought: he's right. Why not? I can be positive. I can change my own mind. So why not? So I'm trying. It's kind of hard for someone like me, but I can't give up now. I just can't. I'm going to try and make 1 or 2 changes at a time instead of having the all or nothing attitude I always have. That mentality never works. It's too stressful.

So, my first change was to quit taking Ambien. Huge change for me. But it really messes with my memory. I do things and have conversations when I take it that I don't remember at all the next day. I'll tell my daughter or my husband something and they'll say, "I know, we had a 30 minute conversation about that last night." That really freaks me out. But it seems to be affecting my short term memory as well. Even when I'm not actually on Ambien, I can't remember if I said something or did something. I have a hard time remembering names and things like that. I used to have a memory like an elephant (whatever that means). My daughter and I were in the car the other night and she said, "Mom, I'm having an intervention with you right now. I want you to stop taking Ambien. If you wake up one day and you don't know who I am...well, I'm not even going to finish that sentence." So, that night, I didn't take my Ambien. And I haven't since. It's been hard, but I've been taking Melatonin and it helps a little. I tried the Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime tea but it tasted like dirty socks. I'm going to give it another try. I'm going to use less water and try and just drink it fast and get it over with. Maybe that will help.

Hopefully, next time I write, I'll have another change to tell you about.