I've Said it Before and I'll Say it Again

Shopping for plus size women is EXPENSIVE. I live in Texas and since it's May, it's getting warmer. Well, it's supposed to be, anyway. Even though today's high is only in the 50s. But, eventually, it will get warmer. And I have no warm weather clothes. Everything I own is either a sweater or long sleeve shirt. I rotate between 2 pairs of pants every single day. And I don't even get Casual Friday where I work so I don't get to throw a pair of jeans in the rotation. I would like to start wearing dresses because they just seem so simple and easy. However, I have noticed that being big, it's not as easy and comfortable as some women make it look. I have to wear Spanx with most dresses and that is SO not comfortable. Putting on Spanx is such a process. It takes 10-15 minutes to get the damn things on and once they're up, you can't even adjust them because they're so freaking tight. And you always need to adjust them because they're so twisted and bunched that they cut into your skin and are extremely painful. By the time you get them on, your hair is a limp mess, your makeup is smeared and you're all sweaty. So much for trying to feel pretty wearing a dress. And even if you get the things on, put on your dress and feel kinda good about yourself, once you start walking and HEAR your thighs rubbing together and feel the heat rising, you're pretty sure they're going to burst into flames at any moment and you KNOW everyone else around you can hear it, too, you don't feel so sexy anymore. And don't even get me started on trying to use the restroom once they're on. Who wants to have that party in the stall at work? Not me. And are they kidding me with the "pee hole" in them? How could a woman possibly pee through that thing? You might as well just pee all over yourself. And on top of all of that, a good pair of Spanx is almost $40. Why would I pay $40 just to torture myself with pain and agonizing embarrassment? You ever tried to put on a pair of Spanx in front of your husband? Don't do it. Your inner sex kitten will be sucked right out of you in an instant.

And I haven't even gotten to shopping for an actual dress. As I said, I would like to start wearing dresses because if I could just throw on a dress and go, it would save a lot of hassle. You only have to buy one garment and your whole outfit is done. Awesome, right? This weekend, my daughter and I are going to see Wicked and I really wanted to dress nice. I looked for a nice cocktail dress but the cheapest one I found is $82. I didn't want to spend that on a dress I'll only wear once. I realize most cocktail dresses are about this price, even in "regular" sizes. But "regular" size people can find cheaper alternatives. Plus size women, not so much. I went shopping with my daughter last weekend at JC Penney for some dresses for the summer and we found dresses for her for $15-$25. You can't find that for plus size people. I did find one dress I thought was really pretty and tried it on just for fun. I thought  it looked really pretty. Unfortunately, it was totally see through. What the hell? Are they kidding me? WHY??? So, I have been looking online at Lane Bryant and Dress Barn and the simple sundresses at LB are $69.50!!!! What??? How is that fair?? It's so ridiculous. The same style dress at JCP for "regular" size people was $15!!! It's an outrage. So, here I sit, in Texas, in May, in winter clothes. Oh, to be a "regular" size person again.


Things Are Not Always What They Seem

I know that most people, especially women, are very hard on themselves. We are definitely our worst critics, and I'm one of the biggest offenders there is. When I tell people how awful I feel about myself and that I feel masculine or like a man in drag, they are always very shocked. Several people have told me they think I am very feminine which really shocked the hell out of me. When I walk around in public or even down the hall at work, I am very self-conscious and feel frumpy and embarrassed to be seen. But people always tell me they don't see that at all. They say I carry myself very well and would never know that I wasn't confident. When I tell people how much I weigh, they say they don't see it. And when I look at myself in the mirror, I know I'm fat, but when I see myself in pictures, it's even worse than I thought.

When I look at my daughter, all I see is beautiful. To me, she is truly the most beautiful woman in the world. She has the perfect hourglass body. But she doesn't see it. All she sees is cellulite and fat. When we go shopping, she stands in front of dressing room mirror making horrible faces and berates herself the whole time. It hurts me to hear it and honestly, it's extremely exhausting to listen to it. Now I know how everyone around me has felt for the last 25 years. And I apologize to all of those people.

On my birthday, my daughter said she didn't have any shorts that fit her. I went to my drawer and pulled out my Levi's my mom gave me on my 21st birthday. They're my sexy short shorts and I keep them as my goal shorts. When I wore them, I thought I was so fat. I was always so embarrassed to wear them in public. As I took them to her room, I felt very emotional. I handed them to her and felt butterflies in my stomach. I waited anxiously as she pulled them on...and they buttoned...and they fit her. My eyes teared up. I can't even say why. I'm not sure what was going on inside except that maybe it was finally a piece of concrete evidence of what size I actually was back then, back when I thought I was a whale. My daughter, who has the perfect body, fit in my shorts perfectly. Which means, that's the body I had back when I was 21. And I had no idea. I was just flooded with emotion. It's one thing to see yourself in the mirror, it's another to see yourself in pictures, but to see, physically, what size you were at one point and have a solid comparison, was very eye-opening. All that time I spent loathing my body and hating myself when I could have been proud of my body and loving myself...what a waste of life. And feeling that way just caused me to gain weight. What if I had just accepted myself and loved myself back then? Could I have avoided a 100 pound weight gain? Maybe, maybe not. But why couldn't I just love myself the way I was? Ever? My husband told me that just proved how warped my vision of myself has been my entire life. My poor 21 year old self. I feel bad for how mean I was to her.

My daughter sent me this link the other day. It made me cry. I thought of myself. I thought of my daughter. I thought of my sisters. I thought of my mom. I thought of my friends. All of us who see ourselves as fat or ugly or repulsive or worthless or undeserving or all of the above. While the rest of us look at the others and just see beautiful and feel so helpless and frustrated that she can't see how gorgeous she is. I realized I wasn't alone in the way I felt about myself. But it also made me very sad to know that so many of us spend our lives focusing on negative, ugly thoughts instead of just being happy.

 My daughter, Lexy, in my hot shorts with my niece, Erin



Sister Hazel

My favorite band in the whole world, Sister Hazel, came to town tonight to play at the Main Street Arts Fesival. I had such a great time. Those boys are not only amazing musicians, but they are hilarious entertainers. They always crack me up. I was pleasantly surprised when they played well over an hour. And afterward, Ken Block, the lead singer, came out to talk to people about a new cause they are supporting called Feed the Children (visit for info). Of course, most of us accosted him and waited in line to take pictures with him, and being the gracious entertainer that he is, he stayed and posed for our photos. Ken and I go way back. I've stalked him for several years. I'll spare you all the details but it all started with a crazy fan letter which led to free tickets to a concert. We met him and he remembered my letter and my name without me telling him. We drove 4 hours to see them in San Antonio and he sang John Denver to my stepson (at age 2) while Casey danced for the first time on a table. He told my daughter "if he had hair like hers he'd be a rockstar" (which is funny because he's bald and he's already a rockstar). He hugged me after a concert when I told him that Casey was in treatment for cancer. And tonight, he said he still remembers us. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. But it was nice of him to say he did. Sister Hazel has been a huge part of my family's life for a very long time. They are one of the very few things we can all bond over. My husband and I left the arts festival on cloud 9. On the way back to our car, he pulled me over and kissed me on the abandoned street in downtown. I don't usually allow myself to do PDA, but it was very romantic and very nice. Until I felt like we were about to be the next victims on Criminal Minds. Of course, we were perfectly safe, no one was around, but you can't be too careful.

This is Ken and me. The quality is bad because someone else was taking a picture at the same time so my camera got their flash as well. Oh well.


Someday I'll Be Skinny

But today is not that day. My husband and my daughter love to send me funny stuff they find on the internet. My husband sent me this someecard the other day and it cracked me up. I realize that at first it has a negative tone to it, but once I thought about it, I realized that it was really kind of positive. I guess it's all in how you choose to read it. I felt like it was saying, "I may not be skinny today but I will be one day, dammit! I will be skinny!" I know that when you're trying to lose weight, especially when you have a siginificant amount of weight to lose like I do, you feel like it's never going to happen. You feel like you'll be fat forever. You feel like you're never going to be hot again so why even bother. But I am choosing to read this as a glass-half-full/light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel mantra. And one day, it really will be that day.


Happy Birthday to Me!

Thirty Seven. Today, I am 37 years old. Strange to be this close to 40. I don't feel 37. I still feel like I should be 25. Just in my head, though. My body feels 50 years old. I've carried too much weight for far too long. I have neglected my body and haven't taken care of it like I should have.

I'm not too sure what to say on my blog right now. I've looked back at old posts and realized how depressed and negative I became. I also noticed a trend. I would write for a bit and then I would fall of the face of the earth. If you pay close enough attention to the hiatuses compared to the "losing it" section (which turned into a "gaining it" section) you'll notice that as the weight went up, the hiatus would begin. I just felt like people who were searching for weight loss blogs to inspire them didn't want to read about someone gaining weight and where each entry was like a black cloud lurking in the near distance. I felt like I was writing the same song different verse over and over. But the other day my daughter sent me a picture (see below). And it made me realize that every time things don't go the way I want them to with my weight loss journey, I quit. So I decided, I can't do that anymore. Where do I want to be on my 38th birthday? 20 pounds heavier than I am on my 37th birthday? Hell no! So, hopefully, next year on my 38th birthday, I'll have a full year of blogs under my belt and hopefully I'll be small enough to be wearing a belt.