Back in the Saddle

Wow, I haven't written in 1 year and 4 months. And I think you know why. I fell off the horse and started doing really crappy and started gaining weight. 13 pounds since March 2010. Yikes. What a beating. I kind of just gave up on everything back then. Food, exercise, happines, life in general. So sad.

Recently, a friend told me I should write a blog because I'm really funny. Immediately, a fire lit inside me and my heart start beating faster. The thought of my old friend, my blog, made me excited. I am happy when I'm writing and pouring my heart out on my keyboard. I thought, "Yes! I should write my blog again!" And then I didn't write for about 3 weeks. Today is the first day I've made the time to do it. And I'm very happy again.

I was reading some of my last posts and WOW. Talk about Debbie Downer. Wah, wah, wah. Everything was awful. I had every excuse not to eat right, not to exercise, not to live. It wasn't fun reading my own words anymore. I was very disgusted. But a few weeks ago, I decided enough was enough. I finally signed up for the gym again. I went for my fitness assessment which was just an hour long sales pitch for personal training. I'd love to do it. I think I'd lose so much faster with a trainer but seriously, who can afford a trainer?? So I enlisted my little sister to be my virtual trainer. I asked her to tell me what I should be doing at the gym and to help me with my eating. She's been amazing. She texts me every day at 6:30 in the morning and again at night. She's given me so many tips for eating and has been so supportive. She's been the push I've needed. Of course, I didn't go back to the gym after my initial assessment for weeks. The usual fears and insecurities crept back into my head. "Everyone is going to look at me. I don't know how to work the machines and I'm going to look like an idiot." So, once again, excuse after wussy excuse. Finally, one Sunday morning I get a text from my little sister that said, "You awake? You should go to the gym. I'm at the gym now and no one is here. It's empty on Sundays." She's right. I should go. But my bed is soooo cozy. But I should really go. Mmmmm...pillow...Hmmm...lose weight and look hot. As I was having this internal struggle, a knock came at my door. "Holy crap! She sent my daughter in here after me to go to the gym!!" Sure enough, my daughter walks in and says, "Hey Mom, let's go to the gym." I said, "Mel sent you in here after me, didn't she?!" She said yes. So I got up and went to the gym. And you know what? It was amazing! We did 15 minutes on the bike and 5 minutes on the elliptical and that was it. But it was fabulous! I was so energized and felt so happy. I felt like I could do this again. I went again on Monday night. ALL BY MYSELF. Woohoo! Go me! I walked in that gym with my oh-so-important-looking-gym-bag over my shoulder and my head up. I strolled to the locker room with my sunglasses on acting like I totally owned the place. I just acted like I did this every day and I knew the gym like the bottom of a bowl of popcorn. I went and changed and walked straight to the bike. I put Daniel Tosh standup on my phone and biked for 20 minutes. I knew I could do more so I did another 10 minutes. When I'm at the gym I always pretend like everyone around me is thinking, "Wow! Look at her! I wonder how much weight she's lost so far." Because for all they know, I've been doing this for a while and I've already lost 50 pounds. They don't have to know I've lost and gained the same 30 pounds for the last 2 years. In my head, I'm an athlete, not a fat girl. When I was done with my workout, I got my stuff from my locker and walked back out of the gym with my head up like I was some kind of athlete. I felt good.

When I told my little sister about my trip to the gym and told her about how I act like I owned the place and have already lost a ton of weight, she cracked up. She told me that was freaking hilarious and I should blog about it. She told me to make it my incentive to go to the gym. If people were out there wanting to read about my day at the gym, I'll be more motivated to go. She said everyone who used to read my blog is thinking, "What the hell happened to this chick? She fell straight off the planet!" She said I "must redeem yourself and make a comeback. Only this time, not a blog filled with excuses as to why you're not that girl who works out and eats good...no...this time, why you are that girl, making an effort...to be better, healthier, stronger...and happier...oooh! This will be fabulous! Only great things to come." That is her text, word for word. She said I could finally write my book. And she's right. This time, I'm going in with a positive and motivated attitude. I can do this. I will do this.