13.2

I am 13.2 pounds behind on my fun goal calendar that my daughter worked so hard on. Man, I just really don't know what is wrong with me. I have been so bad lately. I never eat right, I don't exercise and I'm just plain lazy. It seems like ever since I read this book about people with food addictions, all I do is think about food. I don't ever remember being like this before. I hear people always talking about how when they were growing up they always had fast food, their pantries were stocked with Little Debbies and their fridges were overflowing with soda. But I don't remember any of that growing up. My parents had 4 kids and not a lot of money. My mom cooked all of our food. We RARELY got fast food and we only went to real restaurants once in a blue moon. I don't remember ever going in the kitchen to get junk food. I don't even remember having junk food in our house until I was in high school. And soda? I don't remember drinking it at all. When I was in junior high, I would have dinner at my best friend's house a lot. They always gave all the kids small, glass tumblers with ice and there would be 2 liters of Coke on the table. This was so strange to me. I was like, "Got Milk??" I always had milk with my meals at my house. I was always afraid to go in the kitchen at our house. My mom was always in there cooking or cleaning and with 4 kids under her feet all the time, she was always telling us to get out of the kitchen and go play somewhere else. So I was always scared to even go in there. I don't remember ever sneaking in the kitchen and stuffing my face. So where is all of this coming from now? I do read a lot of books about people with eating disorders and addictions and I watch shows about the same thing. Maybe part of it is coming from that. But I really just can't figure it out.

A few weeks ago on Biggest Loser, Victoria was trying to figure out how she had gotten fat. Most of the people on the ranch eventually figure that out and they work on those issues and they are able to move on. But Victoria had spent most of the season at home and didn't have the insight the others have had all this time. But I totally felt her pain. I am always trying to figure out what is wrong with me and why I can't seem to do the things I need to do. I tried to go to a counselor once and that was awful. I just can't think of anything that made me this way mentally. All I know is, when I reached my early 20s, I stopped working retail and started working at a desk job. And I drank...a lot. I packed on 80 pounds in 2 years. And now that I've done that, I can't get it back off. I have read so many books, I subscribe to numerous e-newsletters for health and fitness and I read magazines and articles about health and how to lose weight all the time. I feel like I really know how to do it. I just can't make myself do it.

I have been really tired and exhausted all day every day lately. I can't muster the energy to work out after work anymore. It's driving me nuts. So, last night I felt really tired around 9:00. I decided I would set my alarm early, get up and work out a bit before work. My alarm went off at 5:00am this morning. I turned it off and reset it for 6:00. I didn't get out of bed until 6:30. What the hell??? I wasn't even dragging at 5. I just didn't want to get up. It was the perfect opportunity for me to start working out in the morning. I didn't feel groggy or super tired or anything. But I stayed in bed anyway. And doing that to myself, made me tired and groggy. Holy moly. What is wrong with me??? I feel like I'm just out of control. I need someone to talk to or to help me or something. My daughter made my calendar and puts my motivating quotes in my envelope for me and that helps. But it doesn't make me do it. I feel like I need professional help of some kind. I know what kinds of food to eat and when, I know that I need to work out and how often, but I need someone to give me real guidance in the kitchen and the gym. I need someone to force me to do it. I hate that it's come to that. I don't want to be so lazy that I can't do it on my own.