Strange Things Are Afoot At The Circle K

So, you know how I hate the way I look and am repulsed by my body? Well, I've been trying not to hate myself so much. It's hard, and it's weird. But it seems to be working. I look in the mirror, and while I do see fat and want to be smaller, healthier, I don't hate it so much anymore. Instead of seeing the monstrosity of fleshy fat rolls, I see potential. I see what I could be in 6 months if I really wanted it. I still have my moments when I just want to punch myself for doing this to my body, but just not so often. And it's not my first reaction anymore.

I did a lot of praying recently. I was begging God between gasps of air and muffled cries to please help me not hate myself anymore. I wasn't asking Him to help me lose weight, just not hate myself anymore. And I guess it's working. And what's even more strange, is that I've been getting a lot of compliments lately. People telling me I look really good, my body shape is different, asking me how much weight I've lost. My sister actually told me today that when she saw me at my great-niece's birthday 2 weeks ago, that she thought I was stunning. I asked her what in the heck I was wearing that day! I figured whatever it was, I should wear it everyday. But she could only remember what I could remember, denim capris and flip flops. We don't remember what shirt it was. Oh well. I don't care. I just care that she thought I was pretty. Even her husband mentioned that I was looking good. Some guy from Brazil contacted me through my website, just to tell me I am a "beautiful woman. kiss." What the...??? Maybe he's really some guy from Belvedere, Ohio, pretending to be from Brazil in order to find out where I live so he can kidnap me, put me in a well making put lotion on so he can make a suit out of my skin. But I'm choosing to belive he's really some guy from Brazil and really thinks I'm beautiful. How can I keep hating myself with all of these different people telling me how great I look? Maybe God told them to tell me, that's how He's answering my prayers. It's different when a stranger or someone you're only acquainted with gives you a compliment. When my husband, mom, siblings tell me I'm beautiful, it doesn't seem to be as true. Maybe because I tell myself that they have to tell me these things or they think I'll start crying. I don't know. All I know, is that all of these compliments are making me feel better about myself. I'm starting to believe that I'm pretty. Sort of.

All of these good thoughts have motivated me to work out. I did a video tonight and it felt great. I've had no energy lately and I'm always tired. I know once I get back into a workout routine I'll be full of energy. I need that right now. I'm hoping that all of these positive feelings and encouraging words from everyone will help me stay motivated this time and actually lose the weight. Cross your fingers.