Too Much To Say, Too Little Time To Say It

I haven't written in over a month. Every day I write out what I want to say to you in my head. Then, when I get home, I never log on and write it. Seems to be the theme in my life. Good intentions, no follow through.

I was talking to a friend at work recently and she was trying to convince me that there was nothing wrong with me. She told me that I was not fat and I needed to get over myself. While she herself, won't wear shorts or skirts above the knee because she is "too skinny". I told her I had been thinking that I was going to wear a skirt for Father's Day and freak out my family. I went the Saturday before and spent the whole day shopping and didn't find a single thing. And I tried. I really tried. Apparently, fat girls aren't supposed to wear skirts. I took my daughter with me and she can vouch for me. We went to Cato, Kohl's (that place is a joke!), Target, Walmart, Lane Bryant, Marshalls and even The Avenue. I finally went to the mall. I went to JCPenney first and found a pretty cute skirt. It was white and when I put my hand under it, I could see my pink skin peeking out at me. No good. I went to the Lane Bryant at the mall as well. I couldn't stand it. There wasn't even anything for me to try on. I tried on a couple of dresses at Cato but they were too long and I looked like June Cleaver. I finally had to call it quits to make it to my sister's salon so we could all get our hair done.

The next day, Father's Day, we went to a different Walmart so my daughter could get some fabric to make Casey a pillow and Chris some pajama pants. I saw a cute sundress and I tried it on. It was an 18 in misses. It actually fit. And it was ok looking on me. Lexy really liked it and told me to get it. Chris saw it in my hand later and told me he thought it was pretty so I bought it. Of course, I never wore it. I thought I'd start out by wearing it to my parents' house on the weekend before I ventured out and wore it in public. But we hadn't been to my parents' house. I finally decided to wear it on my daughter's 15th birthday. My husband and I took off from work and we took her and a friend and Casey to breakfast and then to Harry Potter 6 at the 10 am showing. I wore my dress. I fidgeted all day long. It pulled on the sides because of my boobs so you could see my bra on the sides and I worried all day that I was giving a free peep show because of the v neck cut. I just felt stupid all day. I've been trying really hard not to hate my body these days. And while I did feel too fat to bare my arms in my sleeveless dress, it was more that I just didn't like the dress on me. Everyone told me I looked beautiful that day. My husband told me I looked beautiful and he was glad I wore the dress. My parents told me I looked pretty and my little sister told me I looked pretty. I said thanks and accepted their compliments out loud. Inside, I was thinking that they were just saying that because they were so astonished that I was wearing a dress at all and they thought I was pretty because I was wearing a dress, not because I was actually pretty in that dress.