Almost Hot But Not

That's how I feel. Close, but no cigar. I do realize that my face is kinda pretty and I’ve got real potential, kid. But I’m just not there yet. All of this fat is really just getting in the way. It’s ruining my chances of being totally smokin’ hot. In 2004, I didn’t even go to my ten year high school reunion because I was too fat. I realize that people change and there were probably quite a few people who had put on a few extra pounds. But I put on so much weight, I probably would have been voted The Person Who Changed The Most. I mean 80 pounds is a lot of weight. And like I said before, I didn’t really realize it then, but guys used to check me out. A lot. It’s embarrassing for me when I see people from high school now. I hide and try to pretend I didn’t see them, hoping my cheeks are fat enough so that they don’t even recognize me. Of course, there have been times when I have seen people and couldn’t avoid talking to them. Earlier this year, my softball coach lost a very long battle to cancer. He was also the dad of my best friend from junior high so we had been really close. I practically lived at his house for more than 3 years. I attended his funeral and saw a bunch of people from high school. It was actually pretty much like I was at my ten year reunion after all. It was awful. So embarrassing. None of those people had changed one bit. Although, I’m not so sure that was actually a good thing, either.

I just can’t figure out why I can’t make myself lose the weight. What in the world is holding me back? I mean, it’s obviously consuming me and controlling my entire life. I have even thought of doing things to help me lose the weight. I’ve considered being hypnotized, taking pills and even ear stapling. What in the world is ear stapling?? I don’t know, but someone said that it helps you lose weight so I have considered it. I have never actually gone through with any of these things. I am skeptical about most of it and afraid for my health for the rest of it. But even if someone told me that taking this one pill everyday for 3 months will make me lose 80 pounds, I don’t think I could do it. I would feel like I was cheating and when people asked me what I did to lose so much weight, I couldn’t proudly tell them that I worked my ass off – literally! I would have to tell them that I took a get-skinny-quick pill and I wouldn’t feel as good about losing the weight as I would if I did it by working out and eating right. You know?

I love to watch the show How to Look Good Naked. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen it, but not only is Carson Kressley hilariously funny, but it makes you see things in a different light. I love watching those women completely change the way they view themselves in just a week. The thing is, so far, none of these women have been fat. They recently had sisters on and I thought, “Oh good! Finally, some fat girls!” But once they stood up and showed their bodies, I realized, these girls aren’t fat! They’re just dressing so badly that it makes them look fat. They were both a size 10 and once Carson made some adjustments to the outfits they had on, you could really see how small they actually were. They had been wearing these oversized, billowy shirts and pants and it made them look about 30 pounds (at least!) heavier than they actually were. So, even though they haven’t had any women on the show that should actually have issues with their bodies, it is really very enlightening. It really makes you think twice about the way you view yourself.