World inside my head...

Sit down, shut up and hold on. It's gonna be a bumpy ride. Man, I have just been seething today for all kinds of reasons and I just feel like venting. What's a blog for if not to vent? If you're a regular reader, then you probably think I'm an abrasive, tell-it-like-it-is kinda girl. Well, you're wrong. I'm actually a real pushover. I'm what you might call a "pleaser". I feel like I'm supposed to please everyone at all times. Which makes life pretty difficult for me when everyone wants different things simultaneously. I've always been able to express myself much better through writing than speaking. I guess that's why I never made it as a radio dj. Actually, I never made it as a radio dj because I'm fat. But that's not what I'm venting about today.

Lately, I've been feeling like I'm getting pulled in all different directions. Not necessarily by the people in my life, but by life itself. And I just try to stifle my feelings because, "Wah! Poor pitiful me! I'm poor, I'm fat, I don't have time to work out, I can't afford healthy food...on and on and on..." But look at Casey. He found out he has cancer on his 6th birthday. What on earth do I have to be upset about??? But I have to allow myself to feel my feelings sometimes or I'm just going to explode. And trust me, I do. I usually end up blowing up at someone I really love. Lexy and Chris. They're who I always blow up at.

I just keep wondering, will it ever end??? I'm just so frustrated and today it seems to be hitting me really hard. We barely have money to buy groceries at all much less the healthy stuff like fruits and veggies. We are hurting so bad for money right now I just don't know what I'm gonna do. I have this stupid blog and people are actually reading it but for what? I checked my Losing It section the other day and I've lost 4 pounds in 4 months. That is so pathetic I can't even find the words to express how sick that makes me feel. And it's not even that I don't want to lose the weight or I'm just being lazy. I really want to work out and I genuinely like it. I just have so many things going on these days yet I feel like I never get anything done. My house is in a constant state of chaos, I can't find the time to work out and I can't even find my Points Finder to at least try that again because my house is such a wreck. I'm back to not sleeping well (despite the otc pills) and apparently lack of sleep or poor sleep causes weight gain and I have no idea what I'm going to do about our living situation because our lease is up in 2 months and our landlord wants us to either buy the house or get the heck out of Dodge. And to top it all off, we hardly get to see Casey at all. When we do see him we have to go to his mom's house. I'm not sure if you've ever had to hang out at the woman who gave birth to your husband's son's house for hours on end or not, but it's a very surreal situation. We all get along but it's still not on my list of Top 100 Favorite Things To Do. We go straight after work so naturally, we haven't had dinner yet. She tells us to eat with them but I have a hard enough time eating in front of other people and eating other people's food, not to mention eating my husband's ex's food. And we always say we're just going to stay for a bit so we can get home, eat, clean, work out and those kinds of things, but it just never happens that way. His mom usually expects us to stay until he's ready for bed and give him a bath and things which we NEVER mind doing, but we have to go home at some point. And then, when Casey says, "I don't want you to leave", it takes everything in my body to keep me from busting out in tears and crawling into bed with him and spending the night. So, we get home after 9 and we still have to eat and get ready for work the next day. And then it comes down to, should I go see Casey, or go home and work out? How do you pick between your kid and working out??? You don't. You just don't. I'm just a pathetic mess right now.

OK, you can let go now. I think I'm done. We came straight home tonight because we decided to see Casey tomorrow. And we actually worked it out so that we can pick him up and he can spend the night with us. YEA!!!! It has been so long! I just worked out like a maniac. Lexy and I did Prevention's Pilates Core Workout and Biggest Loser Power Sculpt LEVEL 2! I was sweatting like a man! It was pretty ridiculous. And I felt so much better afterwards. My sister told me today that I need to get a schedule. I told her I tried that. I even got a handy dandy organizer and it didn't work out so great. However, I didn't use it quite properly. What I should have done was talk it over with Chris and decide what days we're going to see Casey and for how long. Then, tell Casey's mom our schedule and we just keep it. And of course, things will come up and we'll just work around it. But I've got to try. I need to write in my workouts before I do them insted of just writing them down after the fact to keep track. Who in the world does that help? Nobody, that's who.