31stbday.jpgThe good, the bad and the ugly.
Growing up, I was always chubby. Never huge, but definitely chubby. As I got older, in my teens, I had more of a "softball player's body". I had big boobs and a big butt. I had chicken legs and a curvy waist. I thought I was huge. I was not. Today, I am 31 years old and I am huge. I look back at pictures from high school and my early 20s and I would give anything to look like that again.
I got pregnant when I was 17. I had my daughter when I was 18 (I was 7 months pregnant at graduation!). I got married when I was 19. I left the (insert expletive here) when I was 20. I was officially divorced when I was 21 (I actually got divorced on my dad's birthday. I told him that was his birthday gift from me).
Ah, 21. Those were the days. I was pretty hot back then. I had lost about 15 pounds after my divorce taking me down to about 150, think. I still thought I was fat although I could shop in Express - the skinny girl store - and not even have to wear the largest size available. That felt really great. It was a huge self esteem booster the first time I went to buy myself some real clothes, nice clothes, some "clubbing" clothes after my divorce and I went to Express and tried on some pants and they were too big. I had to go down a size. I still have the lime green spaghetti strap tank that I bought that night. It is prominently displayed on the wall in my closet for motivation. Unfortunately, it hasn't worked yet.
When I first started going out at 21 I drank a lot of Bud Light. Eventually, I moved on to Shiner Bock (dark beer brewed in Texas) and then on to Black and Tan (Guinness and Bass) which is very dark, very thick and very scrumdiddleeumptious. It is also very high in calories. I slowly put on a couple pounds here and there (topping out at about 160) but I still wasn't fat, not for my frame. Again, I thought I was but I could still turn a guy's head. Although I was always so busy crying over my huge arse that I never noticed them looking. Other people had to point it out. And even then, I didn't believe it.
I eventually got a desk job and drank a lot on the weekends. When I went to restaurants with my friends I would order tons of drinks but no food. This looked extremely odd to the waiters. I could totally throw them down. I always drank everyone under the table. Even the boys. And I am a major tomboy so I loved competing with the boys. I look back now and realize how dumb it all was, but I thought I was having fun at the time.
I gained 80 pounds in 2 years. Not so fun. It wasn't so much that I was overeating. In fact, my little sister used to yell at me when I was pregnant that I wasn't eating enough. She eats enough for all of us. Of course, the little hussy is skinny as hell, too. I think it's just that what I was eating wasn't very healthy. I have always been very picky. I have tried and tried to eat healthy foods and I just can't do it. Now, I am much more adventurous with my food and I eat a much bigger variety than I did before. I used to live off of bologna sandwiches and hot dogs. Yum. Mainly because they were fast, cheap and I didn't have to cook. I'm not good at cooking. Again, something I'm working on.
I started radio school on September 10th, 2001. The next day was pretty big for radio school students. Huge news day. They told us we could all go home if we wanted. Most of us stayed but we all sat in the lecture room talking and listening to the news. I met my husband at radio school several months later. It's weird because I was already over 200 pounds by then and felt horrible about my body. I truly didn't think there was one person in this entire world that could possibly think I was remotely attractive. I guess I was wrong. My friend, Lori, and I had gotten a group of our radio school buddies together and made plans to go on the St. Patrick's Day Pub Crawl. A few days before the Crawl, I mentioned my massive crush to Lori. Somehow, she convinced me to ask him to go with us. He actually said yes. I couldn't believe it. Someone liked me enough to go out with me! It was a group thing, but still! Woohoo! We just celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary last month.
My weight gain slowed down a lot but I have still put on a few pounds since I met him. A few years ago I joined Weight Watchers and and started working out at Curves and lost about 30 pounds. I felt great! I was under 200 pounds and an inkling of my self esteem was starting to emerge again. Then we moved. Not far, but far enough to have to change WW meetings and gym locations. I put it off and put it off. I didn't want to go through all the new stuff again, meeting new people, getting used to putting myself out there to new strangers. Eventually, I gained all 30 pounds back. And another 10 pounds, just for fun. People always tell me it's ok that I'm big. I've had a baby. Um, my baby is now 13 years old. It's hardly baby fat. In fact, I threw up so much the first 3 months I was pregnant that I actually weighed less after I had her than I did before I got pregnant. I gained this weight mostly from drinking beer and being completely inactive. People always tell me I'm so pretty. They can't believe I have bad self esteem. I think they are blind. Sure, my face is pretty. But that doesn't even matter to me anymore. Once you get fat enough, you lose your pretty features. You no longer have great cheekbones or beautiful eyes. It's just all covered in fat and you have no face anymore. All you have is fat. And I know that if I gain anymore weight, I will be that fat. I won't even have the comfort of my pretty face anymore.
I weighed myself this morning and I almost fell off the scale. It said I was 219.5. I knew that wasn't right. My scale is a dirty whore and it is always playing tricks on me. The other day, I weighed 4 times in a row and it gave me 3 different weights. So, today I knew that it wasn't right. But I told myself I wasn't going to weigh again today because I wanted to bask in the glory of being under 220 for just one day. That didn't happen. I weighed myself just now so I could have a more accurate weight for my blog. I have gained 6.5 pounds in 3 hours. I haven't really. This is just another cute little prank from my whore-scale. It says 226. I believe it this time.
So, that's me. The gist of it anyway. I have decided that I can't be fat anymore. I can't be miserable in my own body anymore. I can't hate myself anymore. I am hurting my husband and my daughter. Not to mention, I see the pain in my parents' faces every time I say something degrading about myself. It's not fair to them. All they see is they have a beautiful daughter and someone is saying she is ugly. They don't deserve that. My husband told me one day that when I say I'm fat or ugly, it's like someone is telling him that his wife is fat or ugly. I had never really thought of it like that before. And he doesn't deserve that either. My daughter is so beautiful it's ridiculous. And I'm not just saying that because I'm her mom. She really is. Not an ounce of fat on her, beautiful eyes, incredible cheekbones and an award-winning smile. Unfortunately, she grew up with me and has inherited my poor self esteem. So, I am writing this blog and starting this journey for myself and for them. I'm putting it all out there. My thoughts, my triumphs, my failures, my sadness and my happiness out there for anyone to read. I'm hoping this will be a bit of therapy for me and also help hold me accountable. I know how inspired I feel when I read a blog of someone doing well and if just one person reads this and wants me to inspire them, then I don't want to let them down.