Being Positive in 2012

As you know, I'm not the most positive person in the world. In fact, most people would even say I was a pessimist. I feel like I'm just a realist. But, I'll be honest, I'm probably just a pessimist in denial. I mean, there are things that I just have to be realistic about, things that will be impossible or just aren't a good idea. But then there are the things that will just be hard and will take work to accomplish and I'm just too lazy and have no faith in myself to believe that I could actually do them. And I know what those things are.

For instance, having a great job that pays me lots of money that I thoroughly enjoy, might be pretty impossible without a degree. But losing weight and being healthy are totally possible, I just have to put in the work. I am physically and mentally capable of working out and not eating a handful of Hershey Kisses from the community bowl right outside my office 3 times a day.

Over the holidays I didn't work out and I ate like crap. Well, the holidays are over and I'm still not working out and I'm still eating like crap. I don't feel good, I don't look good and I don't fit in my clothes anymore. I have no energy and I have been very lethargic lately, worse than usual. But my husband told me the other day, "Be positive in 2012!" And I thought: he's right. Why not? I can be positive. I can change my own mind. So why not? So I'm trying. It's kind of hard for someone like me, but I can't give up now. I just can't. I'm going to try and make 1 or 2 changes at a time instead of having the all or nothing attitude I always have. That mentality never works. It's too stressful.

So, my first change was to quit taking Ambien. Huge change for me. But it really messes with my memory. I do things and have conversations when I take it that I don't remember at all the next day. I'll tell my daughter or my husband something and they'll say, "I know, we had a 30 minute conversation about that last night." That really freaks me out. But it seems to be affecting my short term memory as well. Even when I'm not actually on Ambien, I can't remember if I said something or did something. I have a hard time remembering names and things like that. I used to have a memory like an elephant (whatever that means). My daughter and I were in the car the other night and she said, "Mom, I'm having an intervention with you right now. I want you to stop taking Ambien. If you wake up one day and you don't know who I am...well, I'm not even going to finish that sentence." So, that night, I didn't take my Ambien. And I haven't since. It's been hard, but I've been taking Melatonin and it helps a little. I tried the Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime tea but it tasted like dirty socks. I'm going to give it another try. I'm going to use less water and try and just drink it fast and get it over with. Maybe that will help.

Hopefully, next time I write, I'll have another change to tell you about.

Back in the Saddle

Wow, I haven't written in 1 year and 4 months. And I think you know why. I fell off the horse and started doing really crappy and started gaining weight. 13 pounds since March 2010. Yikes. What a beating. I kind of just gave up on everything back then. Food, exercise, happines, life in general. So sad.

Recently, a friend told me I should write a blog because I'm really funny. Immediately, a fire lit inside me and my heart start beating faster. The thought of my old friend, my blog, made me excited. I am happy when I'm writing and pouring my heart out on my keyboard. I thought, "Yes! I should write my blog again!" And then I didn't write for about 3 weeks. Today is the first day I've made the time to do it. And I'm very happy again.

I was reading some of my last posts and WOW. Talk about Debbie Downer. Wah, wah, wah. Everything was awful. I had every excuse not to eat right, not to exercise, not to live. It wasn't fun reading my own words anymore. I was very disgusted. But a few weeks ago, I decided enough was enough. I finally signed up for the gym again. I went for my fitness assessment which was just an hour long sales pitch for personal training. I'd love to do it. I think I'd lose so much faster with a trainer but seriously, who can afford a trainer?? So I enlisted my little sister to be my virtual trainer. I asked her to tell me what I should be doing at the gym and to help me with my eating. She's been amazing. She texts me every day at 6:30 in the morning and again at night. She's given me so many tips for eating and has been so supportive. She's been the push I've needed. Of course, I didn't go back to the gym after my initial assessment for weeks. The usual fears and insecurities crept back into my head. "Everyone is going to look at me. I don't know how to work the machines and I'm going to look like an idiot." So, once again, excuse after wussy excuse. Finally, one Sunday morning I get a text from my little sister that said, "You awake? You should go to the gym. I'm at the gym now and no one is here. It's empty on Sundays." She's right. I should go. But my bed is soooo cozy. But I should really go. Mmmmm...pillow...Hmmm...lose weight and look hot. As I was having this internal struggle, a knock came at my door. "Holy crap! She sent my daughter in here after me to go to the gym!!" Sure enough, my daughter walks in and says, "Hey Mom, let's go to the gym." I said, "Mel sent you in here after me, didn't she?!" She said yes. So I got up and went to the gym. And you know what? It was amazing! We did 15 minutes on the bike and 5 minutes on the elliptical and that was it. But it was fabulous! I was so energized and felt so happy. I felt like I could do this again. I went again on Monday night. ALL BY MYSELF. Woohoo! Go me! I walked in that gym with my oh-so-important-looking-gym-bag over my shoulder and my head up. I strolled to the locker room with my sunglasses on acting like I totally owned the place. I just acted like I did this every day and I knew the gym like the bottom of a bowl of popcorn. I went and changed and walked straight to the bike. I put Daniel Tosh standup on my phone and biked for 20 minutes. I knew I could do more so I did another 10 minutes. When I'm at the gym I always pretend like everyone around me is thinking, "Wow! Look at her! I wonder how much weight she's lost so far." Because for all they know, I've been doing this for a while and I've already lost 50 pounds. They don't have to know I've lost and gained the same 30 pounds for the last 2 years. In my head, I'm an athlete, not a fat girl. When I was done with my workout, I got my stuff from my locker and walked back out of the gym with my head up like I was some kind of athlete. I felt good.

When I told my little sister about my trip to the gym and told her about how I act like I owned the place and have already lost a ton of weight, she cracked up. She told me that was freaking hilarious and I should blog about it. She told me to make it my incentive to go to the gym. If people were out there wanting to read about my day at the gym, I'll be more motivated to go. She said everyone who used to read my blog is thinking, "What the hell happened to this chick? She fell straight off the planet!" She said I "must redeem yourself and make a comeback. Only this time, not a blog filled with excuses as to why you're not that girl who works out and eats good...no...this time, why you are that girl, making an effort...to be better, healthier, stronger...and happier...oooh! This will be fabulous! Only great things to come." That is her text, word for word. She said I could finally write my book. And she's right. This time, I'm going in with a positive and motivated attitude. I can do this. I will do this.

When It Rains It Pours

Calgon, take me away! Seriously, just once I would like to live a normal life without some sort of crazy catastrophe, tragedy or major meltdown! Every time I get my brain in the right place and think I'm ready to get my butt in gear and get healthy and lose weight, something crazy happens. One step forward, two steps back.

Every day I write an article for my blog in my head but I never seem to get my ass in front of the computer and actually put it writing. I could probably be really productive and successful in life if I could just make myself follow through...with anything. Anyhoo, last month, I was on my way to my daughter's play at school and as I was turning into the school parking lot, a car came around the corner and smashed right into me. I was freaking out. I have never been in an accident before and I didn't know what to do. She was going too fast and as I started to turn, she sped up even faster. I'm not sure why. Probably distracted with a million other things on her mind just like the rest of us. The insurance company found me liable because I was the one turning. Whatever. But my insurance company was awesome. They took care of my rental, my repairs and it was all really fast.

Two weeks later, my little sister calls me and tells me my aunt has been in an accident and is in ICU. Her brain was bleeding and they had to cut out part of her skull and drain her head and let the swelling go down. She was getting better and responding by squeezing the doctor's hands and giving thumbs up. They took her off some of the support systems (breathing tube, draining tube, etc) and were talking about sending her to rehab. The very next day, she wasn't responding anymore and was crying a lot. Today she's a little better but not as good as she was.

Two days after the call about my aunt, my husband calls me on his way home from work and says, "I just got in a wreck." WHAT???? First of all, he has been borrowing his uncle's car because we no longer work at the same company and can't carpool anymore and we only have one car. Second of all, he was ALMOST HOME!!! An old lady pulled across 3 lanes of traffic to go south when my husband was travelling north. Smashed right into him. Witnesses came out of the businesses that line that street and gave my husband their business cards because they saw the accident and said that it was clearly her fault. He was just going straight down the "highway" and she pulled out in front of traffic. That was last Tuesday. We had to get a rental car out of our own pocket. Today is Friday, 10 days after the accident, and her insurance company still hadn't gotten the police report or interviewed any of the witnesses. Our insurance wouldn't let us make the claim because they said it wasn't my husband's fault. His uncle's insurance said it was clearly the other lady's fault, too. And her insurance is still sitting around with their thumbs up their asses waiting for pigs to fly. He finally called and left a message for a supervisor and they called back and told him that the one witness they talked to said that my husband was switching lanes and it was both of their faults. Even if my husband was switching lanes (which he wasn't), he still has the right of way in the street. The side traffic and just pull out in front of oncoming traffic because someone is switching lanes! The one witness they talked to was on her cell phone during the accident and told my husband she didn't see where he was when the accident happened. And now she's telling the insurance company that he was in a different lane. The reason why he was in another lane was because the old lady who hit him KNOCKED HIM INTO ANOTHER LANE WITH HER CAR! 5 more feet and he would have been in oncoming traffic and he could have been seriously injured or killed. Thank God he wasn't hurt. But we still have this rental car and I have no idea how we're going to pay for it if her insurance isn't going to. My husband told that supervisor that she needs to call the other witnesses and get their statements. She was so put out by this request. She couldn't believe that he wanted her to talk to more than one witness. I'm so mad right now I can't even think straight. Plus, we have to figure out a way to buy a second car because we can't keep paying for a rental car and without his uncle's car, he now has no way to get to work.

On a positive note, I FINALLY bought myself some new clothes last weekend. I know that when I feel good in my clothes it's easier for me to stay on track with losing weight so I just gave in and did it. I actually found some pants that I love. I recently caught a glimpse of myself wearing the new pants I bought just a few months ago and I was mortified. I don't have a full length mirror in my room so all this time I've been completely oblivious to how I looked. I was in my daughter's room one day and walked past her full length mirror and when I saw myself in those pants, I freaked out. I asked her and my husband why have they been letting me leave the house in those pants??? Not to mention, I have them in gray and khaki. So about 3-4 days a week (since I don't have many clothes I usually end up wearing the same 2 pairs of pants during the week and my jeans on Fridays), I've been walking around in what are supposed to be straight leg pants and actually look like tapered pants. Or as my daughter calls them, riding pants. As in horse riding pants. How humilitaing!!! I bought my new pants in black and they are bootcut this time. I really like them. They have them in gray and khaki but none of the Fat Girl stores have them. I've been trying to order them online but the freaking website won't take my card. I tried my husband's card and it gives me an error on that one also. It's telling me to make sure I'm keying it correctly. It's not declined, it's acting like I'm entering the wrong number. I guess I'll have to go in the store and order them. Oh well.

13.2

I am 13.2 pounds behind on my fun goal calendar that my daughter worked so hard on. Man, I just really don't know what is wrong with me. I have been so bad lately. I never eat right, I don't exercise and I'm just plain lazy. It seems like ever since I read this book about people with food addictions, all I do is think about food. I don't ever remember being like this before. I hear people always talking about how when they were growing up they always had fast food, their pantries were stocked with Little Debbies and their fridges were overflowing with soda. But I don't remember any of that growing up. My parents had 4 kids and not a lot of money. My mom cooked all of our food. We RARELY got fast food and we only went to real restaurants once in a blue moon. I don't remember ever going in the kitchen to get junk food. I don't even remember having junk food in our house until I was in high school. And soda? I don't remember drinking it at all. When I was in junior high, I would have dinner at my best friend's house a lot. They always gave all the kids small, glass tumblers with ice and there would be 2 liters of Coke on the table. This was so strange to me. I was like, "Got Milk??" I always had milk with my meals at my house. I was always afraid to go in the kitchen at our house. My mom was always in there cooking or cleaning and with 4 kids under her feet all the time, she was always telling us to get out of the kitchen and go play somewhere else. So I was always scared to even go in there. I don't remember ever sneaking in the kitchen and stuffing my face. So where is all of this coming from now? I do read a lot of books about people with eating disorders and addictions and I watch shows about the same thing. Maybe part of it is coming from that. But I really just can't figure it out.

A few weeks ago on Biggest Loser, Victoria was trying to figure out how she had gotten fat. Most of the people on the ranch eventually figure that out and they work on those issues and they are able to move on. But Victoria had spent most of the season at home and didn't have the insight the others have had all this time. But I totally felt her pain. I am always trying to figure out what is wrong with me and why I can't seem to do the things I need to do. I tried to go to a counselor once and that was awful. I just can't think of anything that made me this way mentally. All I know is, when I reached my early 20s, I stopped working retail and started working at a desk job. And I drank...a lot. I packed on 80 pounds in 2 years. And now that I've done that, I can't get it back off. I have read so many books, I subscribe to numerous e-newsletters for health and fitness and I read magazines and articles about health and how to lose weight all the time. I feel like I really know how to do it. I just can't make myself do it.

I have been really tired and exhausted all day every day lately. I can't muster the energy to work out after work anymore. It's driving me nuts. So, last night I felt really tired around 9:00. I decided I would set my alarm early, get up and work out a bit before work. My alarm went off at 5:00am this morning. I turned it off and reset it for 6:00. I didn't get out of bed until 6:30. What the hell??? I wasn't even dragging at 5. I just didn't want to get up. It was the perfect opportunity for me to start working out in the morning. I didn't feel groggy or super tired or anything. But I stayed in bed anyway. And doing that to myself, made me tired and groggy. Holy moly. What is wrong with me??? I feel like I'm just out of control. I need someone to talk to or to help me or something. My daughter made my calendar and puts my motivating quotes in my envelope for me and that helps. But it doesn't make me do it. I feel like I need professional help of some kind. I know what kinds of food to eat and when, I know that I need to work out and how often, but I need someone to give me real guidance in the kitchen and the gym. I need someone to force me to do it. I hate that it's come to that. I don't want to be so lazy that I can't do it on my own.

Who Am I??

I hate shopping. You know that. I can never find clothes that fit or look good on me. My trips to the dressing room always end up in an meltdown. I had to break down and go shopping for new pants today because my one pair of black pants are so old now that they are more navy than black. It's so frustrating because there just aren't cute clothes for fat people. And the ones that are fairly cute and fit the best, are so expensive that I can't afford them.

I'm having an even harder time trying to find shoes. I want to find some really cute casual shoes that I can throw on with my jeans on the weekend. Something that isn't a tennis shoe and will look ok really casual or a little nicer. That's why I love Dr. Martens. They are so comfortable and they have really cool styles. For a while there, I was addicted to them and I bought like 5 pairs! I still have one of them and I've had them for about 10 years! And they're not even falling apart yet! But I can't find anything like that anymore. Even the Docs aren't as cute anymore. But while I was at the mall today, I saw a pair of Danskos. I had never heard of this brand before but apparently they're really good for your feet. People who stand all day like nurses and such wear these shoes. I was in awe of these shoes. I had a total shoegasm. Until I flipped it over and saw the price. $119.95. Crap. I expected this but I was still hoping they might be remotely in my price range. I know that I have to pay for good quality, I just don't have the money right now. I need clothes more. I went home and searched online for a really spectacular deal. The cheapest I found was $115, I think. And the more I shopped for this shoe, the more Danskos I fell in love with. I have GOT to get me some! I'm going to start putting away money so when I get to 199 pounds, I can get me a pair!

Finding these shoes really made me realize how much I have lost of myself, just by getting fat. I have my own style, my own taste in clothes and shoes. And I was never afraid to be that person before. Even if I looked ridiculous, I didn't care. I loved the way I felt in my clothes and my Docs and I wore them. But now, I can't find cute clothes, not my style of clothes, anyway. Sure, I have my Goonies Never Say Die t-shirt and my Judd Nelson Breakfast Club t-shirt. But the rest of my wardrobe is just embarrassing. And don't even get me started on my shoes. The cutest thing I own now is the satchel my daughter made me for my birthday. These shoes got me really excited to be that person again. It really made me want to lose weight so I could be me again.

My Danskos!!!