Hotness Overload

I'm so happy that Chris Powell's show, Extreme Weight Loss, is back on. Man, I have been needing some serious inspiration and motivation and that is definitley what this show is all about. This season has been extremely motivating and uplifting. Last night was especially awesome. I must say I was extremely jealous of Cassandra. Not only did she have the whole house to herself when Chris came to stay with her the first three months (she was single and had no kids), but Chris had Rocco Dispirito come stay with them for seven days as well! Oh man, that's a whole lot of hotness in one house! Talk about some serious motivation to lose weight! If I had Chris Powell and Rocco Dispirito living in my house with me I might be able to learn a thing or two! And Rocco was so sweet and so flirty with Cassandra and just made her giddy like a shcool girl. And she just did so great and looked so hot at her reveal. She lost 175 pounds in one year! That's just crazy! And she also went river rafting and went to a speed dating event where she met a guy and went out on a date with him. I just think that is so great. It takes a lot of balls to do something like that, especially when your confidence is low. I realize she had lost some weight at this point, but she was nowhere near her goal and yet, she chose to start living life. Really living it. She stopped hiding out in her house eating herself into an early grave (which I am all to familiar with) and went out there and started living. It was very emotional and very motivational for me to see that. Thanks, Cassandra.


Two Hundred Sixty Four

There. I said it. I just announced to the whole world how much I weigh. 264 pounds. It is very embarrassing. I can't believe I just put it out there like that for all to see. I'm so mad at myself for doing this to my body. The other day I found a couple of pairs of old pants I used to wear. I couldn't believe how small they were. I mean, tiny. I had no idea I was that small when I actually was that small. I thought I was gigantic and I am so angry with myself that I treated myself that way. I told myself I was fat and I was embarrassed to be around other people and I thought any time a guy was nice to me or flirted with me, he was either up to something mean or I just didn't realize he was doing it at all. Because how in the world could a guy find me attractive? And now I realize, yeah, I was pretty fucking hot. I had my daughter try them on and she looked at one of them and said, "These aren't going to fit me. They won't go over my hips." But she was able to get them on and zipped up, although they were just a bit snug. I think my daughter is beautiful and has a great body. And to realize that I was that size, even smaller, at one point just kills me. I told her, "You realize what this means right, when you think you're fat?" And she said, "Yeah, it means you can't get mad at me for thinking it because you thought you were when you were my size." And I said, "NO! It means that you're NOT fat and you shouldn't feel that way and be so mean to yourself. Because one day you'll look back and realize you weren't fat at all and you were horrible to yourself for no reason!" I don't think I really got through to her. It's like Vivian said in Pretty Woman, "It's easier to believe the bad stuff."


Feeling Defeated

I'm not really sure what I want to say in this post. I just know that I haven't written in 2 months. Mainly because I haven't been very positive lately and I just don't even know where to begin. But I realized that the whole reason I started this blog was to have an outlet, someplace to let out my frustrations, brag about my accomplishments and just share my random thoughts. So what if it's not positive? So what if I'm gaining instead of losing? Life isn't all butterflies and rainbows. This blog was just supposed to be about me and my life and not trying to cheer up the world.

That being said, I have been feeling very defeated and depressed lately. I am the heaviest I've ever been in my life. Instead of losing, I have been gaining and gaining. I can't even find shoes that fit me anymore because my feet are so fat and swollen that nothing fits. I went to visit my brother over July 4th and I was just so embarrassed of how fat I am. He and his whole family are extremely thin and in good shape and very healthy. I never thought I'd grow up to be embarrassed just being around my own family. They never say anything about it, but it doesn't matter. I don't feel comfortable and that's a problem. I guess that's all I wanted to say today. Nothing life changing or inspiring. I just wanted to write.



I am so overanalytical. And that's not a good thing. I'm not just analytical, I'm overanalytical. I think that's why it's so hard for me to stick to anything. I can never decide which gym to join or which food program to follow. I went back and forth on a gym recently, and I finally decided I wanted to join the YMCA. It was big, they have tons of classes, they have a pool...what's not to love? Well, I went one time and I couldn't figure out the touch screen on the bike. I think mine was not working properly because I'm actually very technically savvy. But the gym was really crowded and I felt like an idiot. I just rode the bike on manual for 30 minutes and I went home. I never went back. Except last week when I went to cancel my membership after one month. Now, I'm thinking I want to go back to Lady of America. I have insurance with BCBS and they have a discount program. You pay $25/month and you can go to any of the fitness centers on their list. LOA and Curves are both on there. So I can pay $25/month and I can go to both of them if I want to. I had actually thought about doing this before so I went to check out LOA to see if it has changed any since the last time I was a member a few years ago. The girl that worked there was so pushy and weird I decided there was no way I was going there and joined the Y instead. And now I'm thinking I should have just done it. It's cheaper, only women can join and the machines were made for women so they're smaller and a lot less intimidating. Why, oh why didn't I just do this in the first place?? If I don't do something about my health and weight now, I just know something really bad is going to happen to me. I'm already falling apart. My neck is all out of whack and I think it's because I'm so heavy that it puts pressure on my spine when I sleep. And my feet hurt all the time and it's really hard to find shoes that are comfortable because I'm so heavy that the balls of my feet are in constant pain. And they're so wide and swollen that I can barely fit into shoes as it is. I finally found really comfortable peep toe wedges that I can wear with dresses and I was so excited I bought them in 2 different colors. However, the peep toe part rubs on my big toe and makes it bleed. Not fun. My friend told me about these pad things you can put on your shoe to keep that from happening. I'm hoping that will work. But my point is, I would have a wider variety to choose from if I lost weight. So, I just have to buckle down and pick a gym and actually GO TO IT and pick a food program and FOLLOW IT. I'm going to Florida in 3 months with my whole family and I'd rather not look like a beached whale when I go.


Finally, A Good Shopping Experience!!!

So, Friday night I went to JCP to shop for a dress to wear to Wicked with my poor stepson in tow. Talk about a champ. He could have gone home and stayed with my husband, but he chose to go shopping with me instead. And he was a perfect kid the whole time. Not one whine or gripe or complaint out of this kid. I tried on a ton of dresses. Most of the 18s fit ok except for the shoulder and waist part, it was always too big. But I did find one dress I really liked. It wasn't what I wanted to wear to Wicked but I got it for work. And I found a pair of pants on clearance for $10 and a shirt on clearance for $5. The next morning I went to Dress Barn to see if I could find something more appropriate for Wicked. I found a BUNCH of stuff. I'm used to having to try on 50 things and maybe 1 will be a winner. At this place, I tried on 50 things and about 40 were winners. I was pretty amazed. I even had to try on a size 16 in one of the dresses! Woohoo! I realize I'm not a 16, but boy was that fun! And the even better news, was that it was so much more affordable than Lane Bryant. Sure, they had some expensive dresses, but some were actually pretty affordable. And the pants were $30-35 for the most part. That was AWESOME! The first pair I tried on were so great I couldn't believe it. I was having a hard time choosing what I really needed and what I could live without. I was on an extremely tight budget. I'm just not used to having so much to choose from. I was totally overwhelmed. I was in the dressing room so long, at one point, one of the ladies told another that I had left and they needed to clean out my dressing room. When they knocked and I answered, they were surprised. Oops. I ended up only getting the pair of pants and a black cardigan so I felt really bad for what I left in the dressing room. But wow, it sure was nice to know that I finally have a place I can go and find clothes without breaking the bank too badly. AND, they even have LAYAWAY! What the??? Too great. I felt really good after that shopping trip. That was a new and strange and wonderful feeling.

Here's my dress! I'm also wearing the "Mom" necklace and earrings Casey gave me for Mother's Day. Please excuse his blue sno cone teeth. The bottom pic is Lexy and me going to Wicked.