World inside my head...

It's amazing what losing a measly little 1.6 pounds can do to you. As you know, I have been in the depths of despair lately. Pretty much because I'm fat and I hate it. This morning started off bad. I got up late, I didn't make my eggs for breakfast like I had planned and when I went to make my salad for lunch, the lettuce was bad so I had to throw it out. I didn't know what I was going to do about breakfast. I went to the pantry and saw the new box of Fruit N Cream oatmeal and I almost woohooed right out loud. Last night I went to the store and bought a bunch of Smart Ones and Lean Cuisines for lunch and dinner. I'm usually anti-boxed foods because even though they're low in calories, they're still not fresh and as good for you as food from scratch. But yesterday, I decided that I had to do something to jump start my weight loss. I had to start losing something other than my sanity. So even though I didn't have my salad, I did have my Lean Cuisine and oatmeal. My husband stayed home from work today so I had to walk from the parking lot to work. When I got to my desk I was hot, sweaty and miserable. And so not looking forward to weighing in. But when I did weigh in, I was 219. Obviously, not a goal weight, but I knew that it was a loss. I wasn't sure how much of a loss until I got back to my desk and filled in my handy dandy Dietgirl.org weight loss spreadsheet and saw that it was 1.6 pounds. I felt better. After a few minutes, I felt elated. I started emailing people. I texted Lexy and Chris and I was pumped. I had finally gotten my hope back. Woohoo!

I felt so good and so motivated, that I FINALLY went to the farmer's market for some produce. It was awesome! Sadly enough, I had never been in a farmer's market before. When I went in, the first thing I did was walk around and check out the variety of fruits and vegetables available. I was also checking out the prices and comparing them to grocery store prices and I was excited. Plus, the produce looked amazing. The strawberries were red and firm, not green and fuzzy. I picked out so much stuff. My basket looked like a rainbow. Yes,a basket. I had enough stuff that I had to push around a little cart inside the farmers market which was smaller than my living room. But boy did I have fun! I felt adventurous and daring and started bagging up fruit I never would have chosen before. I'd always sworn off peaches because I refused to eat fruit with FUR on it. But I love the peach flavor. I decided to get over it and try some. I mean, if I can eat oatmeal now, after 33 years of gagging over the sight of it, why can't I eat a fur covered fruit? I even bagged up some apricots and red plums.However, I realized how little I knew about produce. As I squeezed and inspected the nectarines, I wondered in my head, "What color are they supposed to be? Are they supposed to be firm or smushy?" I decided that most fruit was still light colored when it wasn't quite ripe yet and smushy definitely meant it was overripe. So I did my best. I also wondered how in the world you were supposed to eat some of this stuff. Do you slice it? Do you bite right in? I bought green and red bell peppers. What in the world I'm going to do with those, I have no idea. But I'm sure it will be pretty. Maybe I'll put it with the broccoli and zucchini and steam it all into a pile of veggie goodness. Funny thing is, I wasn't having an anxiety attack like I thought I would be. I usually start freaking out when I'm around food in front of strangers. I worry that they're thinking I should be at home on a treadmill instead of picking out food. Maybe it was because I was at the farmer's market that I felt like it was ok. Like they were approving of the contents in my cart. I even looked at people. I smiled at them. I even carried on a conversation with this tiny little kid who was telling me all about Venom and how the black suit attacks Peter Parker and it makes him bad. I usually start hyper ventilating when I see little kids looking at me because I'm so afraid they're going to make a comment about the "fat lady". But this kid didn't seem to notice. His blond, curly head was just happy about his tiny little Spider Man in the black suit and wanted me to know all about it. As I unloaded all of my treasures into my new minivan, a big cheesy grin formed on my face. I felt like a grown up. I was at the farmer's market, getting grown up food and piling it into my grown up car. I don't know why, but that made me feel good.

Wow, I really fought the urge to drink a Shiner Bock tonight. I have 2 left in the fridge from a GNO a few months ago. I was on the couch tonight watching Ray Romano's "95 Miles To Go" and I just really wanted that beer. I have been so depressed lately that it sounded like a super good idea. But I just couldn't do it. I felt like I would be defeating the purpose. How many calories are in that delicious adult beverage? More than I care to think about. And why was I in such a funk to begin with? Because I'm so fat. So, the angel on my right shoulder finally won against the devil on my left shoulder. 

I got an email from my friend, The Warden, tonight. I hadn't emailed her in a while so I kind of let it all out tonight. It felt kind of good to finally release some of the tension. She apologized for being a bad warden. I told her it wasn't that she was a bad warden, I was a bad inmate. When I messed up, I stopped confessing and it spiraled out of control. I was in a funk for such a long time. I can usually dig myself out eventually but this time was pretty bad. I've been giving myself serious stomach issues over it. I am just so miserable over the way I look. And no one understands. I just can't explain it. Chris can't even begin to fathom what is going on. He just thinks I really hate the way I look but oh boy, it is just so much deeper and so much worse. I can't get him to understand. I've quit trying because there's really no point. I need to focus more on my health and my goal than trying to get people to understand that I am in utter despair. I have to admit, part of the reason I haven't kept in touch with her or written on my blog is because I have been so down. I just knew I'd spill my guts and I figured the pity party was getting old. For a year now, I've actually had hope. I've been able to picture the "thin me". I've had goals, fantasies, outfits all pictured in my head. But lately, the pictures in my head are gone. I was hanging on to my hope for dear life with a light at the end of the tunnel. And now the hope is no more than thin little wisps of distant memories. I feel like I'll look like this forever. I'm not dieting and trying to figure out why I just can't lose weight. I'm just not "dieting" or exercising like I should or anything. I just haven't been able to get it back like I had it before. But the other day, I went to one of the Biggest Loser meetings at work and it flipped a switch in my head. I felt that spark again. I felt like I could lose weight again. And then all weekend I ate crap. Lexy and I did a run/walk for 3.5 miles (mostly walking because it was so hot by 8am we were about to puke) and it felt good. But I ate terribly all weekend. I just don't know what my problem is. It's my fault, I'm not one to make excuses. I don't believe obesity is a disease, for crying out loud. It's something I've done to myself and I just don't know why I don't love myself enough to do something better for myself.

I started this blog for a reason. And it really helped hold me accountable at first. I pay for it every month so I think I should really utilize this outlet again. I think it might help.

Today was training day for TNT. My daughter spent the night at her friends' house last night because it was the last day of school. She had told me she wanted to go to training and wanted me to pick her up on the way. Secretly, I was hoping she'd stay up too late and sleep in so we wouldn't have to go. I had taken some clothes and a bathing suit to her last night and realized I should take her training clothes, too. But I conveniently "forgot" these things. This morning, my phone starts ringing at full volume tearing me out of my bed with a frightening jolt. It was Lexy. She asked me if I was coming to get her for training. I asked my husband what time it was and he said it was about 10 'til 6. WHAT??? She was calling me at 5 something in the morning?? She said she needed me to go get her so she could come home and get ready because she didn't have any of her stuff. In my sleep deprived state I was mad at her. I asked her why she hadn't thought to tell me to take that to her last night with her other stuff. She said she forgot. And she said I forgot too. She was right. I knew full well that I should have taken her that stuff but in my lazy mind, I convinced myself not to. It was my own stupid fault. I picked her up and we got ready and headed to training. I was so glad we went. It felt so good. We hadn't trained in weeks. They cancelled training 2 weeks ago because of lightning and last weekend we were out of town at my brothers. And as I said before, we haven't been doing any weekly training either. Hmm...I wonder why I'm still fat? It's pretty sad that I need my 14 year old daughter here to get my fat, lazy ass out of bed to go to training. Who's the mom here?? I need some serious help.

Something strange happened today. A girl in my department wore a dress. That wasn't the strange thing. She looked very cute. She is also trying to lose weight and is doing the Biggest Loser contest at work with me. Another lady in our department commented on how pretty she looked and she just smiled and said, "I'm trying to stay motivated." And I thought, "Hm. There's an idea. Wearing nice clothes to motivate you to lose weight." I always dress horribly and my hair is always a mess because I don't really feel worth it. And I feel like it would be pointless anyway because no amount of mousse or eyeliner or dresses will ever make me look pretty. It's like putting lipstick on a pig. I told them that I don't wear dresses because I just feel like a man in drag. My boss busted out laughing and said, "You are not manly! You are very feminine." I almost fell out of my chair. I don't think anyone in the history of ever has ever called me feminine. My husband swears he's told me this before but he claims I just don't remember. I don't remember it.

I had to go shopping today to find a nice top and some nice trouser jeans. I had a meeting at work on a Friday, which is casual day, but I didn't want to be too casual for this meeting. Instead of going last night knowing full well that I would need the extra time, I put it off 'til tonight. Big mistake. I went to Lane Bryant and tried on a few things. I even tried on a dress, just for the fun of it. I had no intentions of buying it, but I just wanted to see what a dress looked like on me since I haven't worn one since my wedding day. Wow, that was a big mistake. Not only did I look like a linebacker in a purple dress, but it was definitely not the right dress for me. I looked like Grimace, the old purple McDonald's character. Yikes. I found some trouser jeans that were ok but unfortunately, they didn't have my size. I needed an 18. I had tried on the 20 and they were just too baggy on me. They had a 16 and a 22. Great. I tried on some other pants and shirts but I was pretty much in between sizes on everything. I tried on 14/16, 18/20, 16 and 18. I wasn't a 14/16, an 18/20, a 16 or an 18. I was too big or too small for everything. I was sitting on the bench in my shirt and underwear staring at all of the lumpy fat piled up on the creaking wood, wondering, "What happened to me? How did I let myself get like this?" Feeling discouraged, I ran over to Target. I knew their clothes were always too crappy but I was getting desperate. I found some trouser jeans that I thought would work ok. Then I went to Cato. My husband went with me and was so ready to get out of the store that he kept telling me that everything looked fine, just so we could get out of there. Not very helpful. I grabbed a handful of tops and headed to the dreaded dressing room. Same problem as before. In between sizes. As I tried on one of the tops, I popped a button right off and it shot across the dressing room plinking off of the door before finally settling on the ground. I wanted to die. I just knew that the other lady in the dressing room knew exactly what had just happened. I didn't really pop it off because I was too fat. I pulled it over my head without unbuttoning enough buttons. But still, that doesn't matter when you're fat. Blowing a button is blowing a button. I was in that stupid store forever. My eyes were brimming with tears and my husband was following me around trying to convince me that everything looked fine. I finally settled on a top and got the hell out of there. I just wanted to throw up. I sat in the car staring out the window wondering again, "What the hell happened to me?"

Another weigh-in today. I've gained exactly one pound since last week. I expected it, but it doesn't make it any better. We went out of town to see my brother and his family over Memorial Day weekend. The trip was fun. But we ate Taco Bell in the car on the way there and Dairy Queen in the car on the way back. We didn't eat too badly while we were there. But I drank soda while I was there because we were staying up late and waking up early. And we ate a lot of fast food the few days before we left because we didn't want to get groceries before we went out of town. And of course I've been too busy to even think about exercising. So needless to say, I'm still fat.