Basket Case
Tuesday, August 4, 2009 at 09:10PM - a person who is helpless or incapable of functioning normally, esp. due to overwhelming stress, anxiety, or the like.
- anything that is impaired or incapable of functioning
Basket case...yep, that's me. Especially tonight. I don't know why but my emotions are taking over my brain and forcing it to not function properly. I'm so stressed out about our financial situation right now that I can't think about anything else. Except for being fat. Being poor and being fat. Those are the two things I can think about right now.
My daughter recorded that "Ruby" show on the MyStyle network. She put in a season pass for me. I didn't know she did that until I turned on the tv yesterday and saw an episode recorded. I decided that I would watch the show and do a little exercising in front of the tv. It was great. In case you haven't seen "Ruby", it's about a lady who used to weigh 700 pounds. She is on a journey to lose weight the natural way, without surgery or drugs or anything extreme like that. And she's doing really well. Apparently, her most recent goal was to get under 350. In the show I watched last night, she hit 349.2. GO RUBY! I was motivated, I was jogging in place, I was squatting, I was doing tricep curls, bicep curls and I was sweating like crazy. I ended the night feeling pretty good. I weighed last night and I was around 2 pounds less than last week's weigh in. I thought I might have a chance to lose weight at this week's weigh in. The final weigh in.
Tonight, we went through the drive thru at Taco Bell because my husband is a coach a the church sports camp again this year and he had to eat quick and get to the church. I have been doing really well on my 4 golden eating rules from Paul McKenna. I haven't overeaten once since I started reading his book. I haven't felt full to the point of wanting to stick my finger down my throat until tonight. I ate too fast without realizing it and had cookies and milk afterward. And I felt it. All of it. I physically felt awful. I was watching "Ruby" while I ate (big rule breaker) and just didn't focus on what I was doing. I was so excited. Ruby got down to 333! Someone pointed out to her that in only 34 pounds, she'll be under 300. Whoa. That is huge for someone who used to weight 700 pounds. And it hit me, I only have about 20 pounds to lose to be in the 100s again. That seemed do-able. I felt happy about that. Until I realized that just a few months ago, back in January, I only had about 10-12 pounds to lose to get in the 100s. And I felt defeated again. But I quickly pushed that out of my head and focused back on the show. Ruby drives me a little nuts. Really high maintenance, this one, but she's very sweet and has a big heart. She's action packed with issues, though. She wouldn't get rid of her dresses that she wore when she weighed 700 pounds because they were like friends. They were a security blanket for her and with all of the changes she has been going through, it was just too hard for her. She finally did in the end and I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off me and I wasn't even the one getting rid of my fat clothes! I felt motivated and knew I needed to get my body moving, so I went to put on my workout clothes. And that's when I messed up. I got on the scale.
2 pounds more than last night. So much for my weight loss this week. And that was all it took. Everything hit me all at once. Money, food, fat, weight. BOOM! I was Wyle E. Coyote and the Roadrunner had dropped the anvil on me once again. I decided I'd shake it off and go put on "Dance Your Ass Off", another show my daughter recorded for me on the Oxygen channel. I thought it would get me movin' and groovin'. Nope. I was sadly mistaken. After all of my emotions had been stirred up, I was just waiting to blow. Watching all those fat people shaking their asses and looking at themselves in those slinky dance numbers saying that they loved the outfits and felt sexy just blew my mind. Those fat people did not hold back one iota. They shook it, they twirled it, they flaunted it. They exuded confidence and I just stopped in my walking-in-place-tracks and stared at the tv. These fat people were good. Even the ones who didn't dance. These huge women who weigh over 200, 250, 270, were all flying around like they weighed 80 pounds. Their tiny little dance partners were dipping them, flinging them, cartwheeling them, and never dropped a single girl. I was dumbfounded. I know it seems silly. It's kind of a silly show, but for some reason, watching those people dancing like no one was watching, really broke me down. My husband tells me that showing confidence is the biggest turn on for him. He loves it if I give him a "come hither" look, or say something positive about myself, even if I'm joking. He'll take what he can get. And I was staring at these people through my tears trying to figure out why I can't do that. Why can't I even fake it? I think he'd even take that. But I can't. I feel silly. I don't know why.
I kept trying to jog and do my workout, but I couldn't. At this point, my head was killing me, I felt physically bad from eating 2 bean burritos and 3 chocolate chip cookies, and I was depressed. I couldn't do it. I couldn't stay focused on moving my body. I don't think that has ever happened to me before. Usually, once I start moving, I feel really good and I keep going. Not today, Buzz. Not today.
Rachyl |
Post a Comment | 






