World inside my head...

Bloody brilliant words of wisdom, don't you think? My 15 year old daughter said it to me at the gym 2 nights ago. I know I fell off the face of the world for a while so I guess I better explain...

If you've been a reader, you know that I have major self-esteem issues and social phobias. I signed up for a gym several months ago and I've been twice. I feel so out of place there with all of the pretty people and fit people and young people. Instead of just concentrating on a good workout and feeling good about actually being at the gym, I'm constantly freaked out that all of these people are looking at me trying to figure out why I'm there, why I'm invading their space. But really, no one is even looking at me. I signed my daughter up in January because I thought it would be easier to have her with me walking into the gym instead of facing those people alone. I still couldn't get myself to go. My daughter kept asking, "Mom, when are we going to the gym???" But I always had an excuse. I told her I just couldn't do it. She thinks I'm crazy. I probably am.

I've been going to an internist and she has been a great cheerleader for me. Each visit she gives me a list of things to do before our next appointment. My last list said to read some of the "former fat girl memoir" books that always motivate me and get me pumped and back on track, get a book on ACT Therapy to help me with my anxieties and phobias, start my exercise videos and start the gym the next week. Well, I did get my motivational books and I started doing my videos at home. My daughter did them with me, too. She hates the videos though because she gets bored. I like doing the videos in the safety and privacy of my own home.

But something happened this week. I've been getting pumped and more positive about myself and at least feeling that there is hope for me after all. I joined a Biggest Loser contest at work. It's $40 for 8 weeks. I didn't think I'd win but I felt it would be a good motivator. Of course, I spent the first 3-4 weeks not really doing much. Then one week, I saw my name in 3rd place! Me! In 3rd place! That really got me excited! There was prize money for 1st, 2nd and 3rd place but I didn't care about the money. I just wanted to win! I did well the next week and then I gained. And I was devastated. And the next week I lost. I spent the whole 8 weeks going up and down just like I usually do. The next to the last week I gained 1.2 pounds...the exact amount I had lost the week before. I just spiraled out of control. I was depressed and so pissed off because I had finally started working out pretty much every day and eating way better than I have in a long time. And I still gained. But the last 2 days before the very last weigh in I just had to shake all that off and do what I could to get focused again. At this point, I figured I wasn't even going to place 3rd but I decided that didn't matter. I still needed to lose weight and get healthy. On weigh in day I weighed in and I had lost 1.4! Not a lot and certainly not enough to place, but I was so happy I hadn't gained after a week of not working out and eating bad. I was in the break room mixing up my detox drink (if you can call it a drink - yuck!) and the girl who had been in 1st the entire contest comes running in and says, "You won 2nd place!" I said, "What??" She repeated, "You won 2nd place!" I said, "Are you shitting me??" I honestly, truly believed that I wouldn't even place 3rd. I couldn't believe it! I was soooo freaking excited! I was on cloud 9 all day long! I won $50 and placed 2nd and I lost weight! Woohoo! We are going to start another round of BL on the 24th and I'm going to win 1st this time!

I told you all of that to tell you this. That same day, I was so excited and so pumped that nothing was going to bring me down. I WENT TO THE GYM!!! My daughter and I dressed in our gym clothes and went to the gym. I looked around the place and there was only one other overweight person there. And she wasn't even as big as me. I told my daughter I wanted to join the YMCA because there are probably people of all shapes and sizes there, not just fit, workout fiends and I woudl feel like I fit in better there. She looked at me and said, "It doesn't matter where you go. Your insecurities are going to follow you." And she's right. It doesn't matter where I work out or where I eat or who I'm with. My insecurities are going to be there. It's all in my own head. When she said that I realized I need to stop worrying about all of that other stuff and I just need to focus on working out and getting healthier. None of those people care about me being fat. They may even be happy that I'm there trying to lose weight. After that, I felt better. We did the bike and I fought with mine for 20 minutes trying to do a weight loss program only to find out that it wasn't happening. My daughter did the exact same program and was working right through it. Mine kept telling me to slow down and I couldn't get my legs to go that slow. Then, when I got to a "hill", the resistance didn't change at all. I thought maybe it was because I was older and fatter and it was trying to keep me on a lower program than the one my daughter was on so I reset the program and entered a lower weight and age. Still no change. After 20 minutes of this mess, I finally put it on manual and went my own pace at my own resistance. We went for 20 more minutes. Then we got on the elliptical for 5. I did it backwards the last minute. I was so happy when we left! I felt like I could run a 5k! I couldn't have, but I felt like it.

We went back to the gym last night...2 nights in a row! Woohoo! The guy behind the desk who had teased us the night before for not coming in sooner cheered us on for coming in 2 days in a row. This time I did the elliptical for 30 minutes! Yay! I realized the trick is to slow down. I always feel like I have to go fast on everything and I wear out too fast. I just tried to keep a moderate pace and I made it for 30 whole minutes! We did a few machines for an upper body workout and then we headed out. I felt even better last night than I did the night before.

And so here I am...I'm back after a long hiatus. And this time, I'm not going away. At least not until I lose 70.6 more pounds.

• a person who is helpless or incapable of functioning normally, esp. due to overwhelming stress, anxiety, or the like.
• anything that is impaired or incapable of functioning

Basket case...yep, that's me. Especially tonight. I don't know why but my emotions are taking over my brain and forcing it to not function properly. I'm so stressed out about our financial situation right now that I can't think about anything else. Except for being fat. Being poor and being fat. Those are the two things I can think about right now.

My daughter recorded that "Ruby" show on the MyStyle network. She put in a season pass for me. I didn't know she did that until I turned on the tv yesterday and saw an episode recorded. I decided that I would watch the show and do a little exercising in front of the tv. It was great. In case you haven't seen "Ruby", it's about a lady who used to weigh 700 pounds. She is on a journey to lose weight the natural way, without surgery or drugs or anything extreme like that. And she's doing really well. Apparently, her most recent goal was to get under 350. In the show I watched last night, she hit 349.2. GO RUBY! I was motivated, I was jogging in place, I was squatting, I was doing tricep curls, bicep curls and I was sweating like crazy. I ended the night feeling pretty good. I weighed last night and I was around 2 pounds less than last week's weigh in. I thought I might have a chance to lose weight at this week's weigh in. The final weigh in.

Tonight, we went through the drive thru at Taco Bell because my husband is a coach a the church sports camp again this year and he had to eat quick and get to the church. I have been doing really well on my 4 golden eating rules from Paul McKenna. I haven't overeaten once since I started reading his book. I haven't felt full to the point of wanting to stick my finger down my throat until tonight. I ate too fast without realizing it and had cookies and milk afterward. And I felt it. All of it. I physically felt awful. I was watching "Ruby" while I ate (big rule breaker) and just didn't focus on what I was doing. I was so excited.  Ruby got down to 333! Someone pointed out to her that in only 34 pounds, she'll be under 300. Whoa. That is huge for someone who used to weight 700 pounds. And it hit me, I only have about 20 pounds to lose to be in the 100s again. That seemed do-able. I felt happy about that. Until I realized that just a few months ago, back in January, I only had about 10-12 pounds to lose to get in the 100s. And I felt defeated again. But I quickly pushed that out of my head and focused back on the show. Ruby drives me a little nuts. Really high maintenance, this one, but she's very sweet and has a big heart. She's action packed with issues, though. She wouldn't get rid of her dresses that she wore when she weighed 700 pounds because they were like friends. They were a security blanket for her and with all of the changes she has been going through, it was just too hard for her. She finally did in the end and I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off me and I wasn't even the one getting rid of my fat clothes! I felt motivated and knew I needed to get my body moving, so I went to put on my workout clothes. And that's when I messed up. I got on the scale.

2 pounds more than last night. So much for my weight loss this week. And that was all it took. Everything hit me all at once. Money, food, fat, weight. BOOM! I was Wyle E. Coyote and the Roadrunner had dropped the anvil on me once again. I decided I'd shake it off and go put on "Dance Your Ass Off", another show my daughter recorded for me on the Oxygen channel. I thought it would get me movin' and groovin'. Nope. I was sadly mistaken. After all of my emotions had been stirred up, I was just waiting to blow. Watching all those fat people shaking their asses and looking at themselves in those slinky dance numbers saying that they loved the outfits and felt sexy just blew my mind. Those fat people did not hold back one iota. They shook it, they twirled it, they flaunted it. They exuded confidence and I just stopped in my walking-in-place-tracks and stared at the tv. These fat people were good. Even the ones who didn't dance. These huge women who weigh over 200, 250, 270, were all flying around like they weighed 80 pounds. Their tiny little dance partners were dipping them, flinging them, cartwheeling them, and never dropped a single girl. I was dumbfounded. I know it seems silly. It's kind of a silly show, but for some reason, watching those people dancing like no one was watching, really broke me down. My husband tells me that showing confidence is the biggest turn on for him. He loves it if I give him a "come hither" look, or say something positive about myself, even if I'm joking. He'll take what he can get. And I was staring at these people through my tears trying to figure out why I can't do that. Why can't I even fake it? I think he'd even take that. But I can't. I feel silly. I don't know why.

I kept trying to jog and do my workout, but I couldn't. At this point, my head was killing me, I felt physically bad from eating 2 bean burritos and 3 chocolate chip cookies, and I was depressed. I couldn't do it. I couldn't stay focused on moving my body. I don't think that has ever happened to me before. Usually, once I start moving, I feel really good and I keep going. Not today, Buzz. Not today.

Recently, someone posted a comment on my "Hot Bod" entry. It was signed, "someone like you...a regular girl". Wow. Strange how just 6 little words can affect you. I mean, this was something so small and when she signed it, she probably thought nothing of it. But for some reason, that signature really had an impact on me. I thought, "regular girl", huh? I don't feel like a regular girl. I don't think I have ever felt like a regular girl. I've always been overweight, even if it was only 10 pounds. But, I've come to realize that I have severe "body dysmorphia". Even when I wasn't grotesquely overweight or obese, I thought I was gigantic.

I was watching "Swingers" with my daughter the other night and she was saying how she loves swing dancing and wants to go sometime. I told her that I actually went swing dancing once, years ago. A guy I worked with went all the time and he asked my roommate and me to go with him. Despite my violent begging and pleading and refusal to go, I ended up going. Dancing is definitely not my forte. Especially not swing dancing. With all that flipping and swinging and flying around?? Are you kidding me? There was no way anyone was going to slide me through their legs and expect me to end up on my feet. I sat at the table for as long as I could before my friend dragged me out on the dance floor. I was so mortified. I was freaking out the whole time worrying that all of these people were staring at me and laughing and trying to figure out what in the world a fat girl was doing at a swing dancing club. But really, no one was looking at us. If anything, they were all staring at the people who were actually good at it, the ones swinging and flipping. And I have to admit, even though I was extremely self-conscious and worried the whole time, I had a really good time on the dance floor. My roommate hit the dance floor with him and she did all the acrobatics with him and made it look so easy. My daughter asked me why I didn't do any of the swinging and stuff and I told her there was no way he could have flipped me or flung me. I was too heavy. And I realized, I only weighed about 150-155 back then. Can you imagine? I was not all that fat back then and I still felt like the fattest person everywhere I went.

My point is, I have just never felt like a regular girl. I've always felt too fat to be feminine. I've been a tomboy since I was in diapers. I never had anything in common with other girls so all of my friends were guys. Guys loved me. As a friend. I love beer. I love sports. I'm extremely low-maintenance. Everything a guy wants, right? Except, even though guys always complain about the high-maintenance-girly-girls, those are the ones they are attracted to. My roommate was thin and hot and guys gravitated towards her. They would come over and end up hanging out with me all night because I was fun. But they always ended up with her. I've just never felt like I fit in anywhere. So, when this reader, this "regular girl", included me in her group of "regular girls", I felt really good. Like maybe I was just a regular girl. A girl who likes beer and sports and just happens to have too many chins and hips. Just a regular girl, all the same.

I have been suffering from some serious brain overload lately. Every time I turn around I'm hearing one more way to eat, one more food to avoid, one more tip for serious weight loss. Most of them contradict one another. With all of these different people, books and studies telling us something different, how in the world are we supposed to know what to do? Don't eat carbs. Don't eat meat. Don't eat sugar. Don't eat artificial sweeteners. Don't eat fruit after 1:00pm. Seriously?? We can't even eat fruit when we want. What a joke.

I checked out a book from the library called "The Weight Loss Cure 'They' Don't Want You to Know About" by Kevin Trudeau. While some of the things in the book are good advice, the actual plan is just ridiculous. Who in the world has time to go to the doctor every morning before work to get an hcg injection? And of those people, how many of them can actually afford to do that? My insurance company would make me pay the office visit co-pay as well as the injection co-pay, if they even covered the injection at all. He said to eat 100% organic food. Very nice in theory, but who can afford that?? I can't feed 4 people on 100% organic food. If I could, trust me, I'd already be doing that. He got me thinking about all of the food we eat and the drinks we consume and it just made me afraid to eat or drink anything at all. I was afraid I would get fatter, get cancer or something else equally horrendous. I spent 2 hours at Walmart shopping for food that week. Reading labels, trying to avoid any and everything with hydrogenated or partially hydrogenated anything. I tried not to get anything with high fructose corn syrup, which wasn't as easy. I was so stressed out by the time I left, I was wound up in one big knot. I just ended up telling myself, I can't do all of that. All I can do is my best and try to eat more fruits and veggies and watch my portion sizes.

I also checked out a book called "I Can Make You Thin" by Paul McKenna. Yes, I'm desperate. I've decided I'll try almost anything, including hypnosis. I figured, even if the whole hypnosis thing doesn't work, maybe he'll have some tips on overeating. I was right. He has 4 golden rules of eating and really, they're really easy and we should be following them anyway, but we don't. Basically, he says not to deprive yourself of the foods you want, just don't gorge yourself. Eat when you're hungry, don't wait until you're starving. Eat slowly and enjoy every bite you eat. Don't overeat until you're miserable. The basics. I'm only halfway through the book, but already, I feel better. Like there's hope for me after all. I can't wait to pop in the cd and see what hypnosis is all about. Hopefully, I won't end up clucking like a chicken at work.

Last night, when I was shaving my legs in the shower, I noticed something about my body I had forgotten about. I ran my had across my calf, checking for stubble I may have missed, and I was actually shocked at what I felt. My instant reflex was to snap my hand away quickly, not realizing what it was at first. What I had felt, was a rock hard calf muscle. Under a bit of fat, yes, but rock hard and protruding underneath. I used to really like my legs. I always had really nice calves. Even now, probably the thing I like the most (in other words, hate the least), are my legs. My lower legs, anyway. They're kind of thin and strong compared to the rest of my body. It's kind of like one of those toys that has 3 blocks on top of each other and each side of each block has a different picture. You can twist the blocks and have a duck face, a pig belly and clown feet. That's kind of how my body is. You see that a lot on overweight people. I always imagine that it's because our legs are getting a nice strength training workout just from holding up our bodies. Hey, whatever works. But, when I felt my calf last night, I felt really warm and kind of melted inside. I don't know why I had this strange reaction. It just made me feel happy. So much hope filled my body from my fingertips to my toes. I thought, "There is a really hot bod underneath this blubber and it's dying to be revealed." I've got the fever again. I'm feeling less hungry, craving less junk (of course, it doesn't hurt that I don't have any junk food in the house!), and I can't wait to get home to work out. I worked out again tonight. I did a higher level video and while I was supposed to be walking in place, I was jogging in place. I was squeezing my butt cheeks and my heart was pumping. By the cool down, I had sweat pouring down my face and neck and WOOHOO! it felt amazing! It felt like the fat was just pouring out of me.

I had my weigh in today at work. I went up .2 pounds. I was expecting it. But all I could think about was, "I can't wait to weigh in next week after working out and eating less junk! Maybe I'll lose 3 pounds!" And it made me want to go home and work out. Unfortunately, we only have 2 weigh-ins left of the contest. Leave it to me to wait til the last minute to start participating. Oh well. At least this has given me the motivation to start up again. I can't wait til this roller coaster straightens out a bit. I'm tired of being motivated and losing 5 pounds only to crap out and gain 10.